LESSONS FROM THE DEATH OF MY CHILD²

Reverend Dr. Jim Lockard

Two of my colleagues in ministry have experienced the death of young adult children in the past couple of weeks. One is eerily like my own experience of the loss of my precious daughter, Caitlyn, on Easter Sunday 2008 to a tragic car accident. Like Caitlyn, my friend’s daughter was under 20 with what was surely to be an amazing life ahead of her. Needless to say, these events have brought up feelings and memories for me as I grieve their losses and, once again, my own. I am reminded that grief does not end. It lies beneath the surface at times, but it can be awakened at any moment. So, I am moved to write this, my most personal blog entry to date.

I have only partial, episodic memories of the three weeks in 2008, beginning just before midnight on the eve of Easter Sunday, California time, when my daughter, Heather, called me from her mom’s home in Ft. Lauderdale. It was already after midnight in Florida where Caitlyn had just died. I remember those first few hours, crying off and on as I called people – my wife, Dorianne, who was writing in our cabin in Montana and unreachable at that hour; my ministerial partner at the time, Dr. Sue Rubin, to tell her the news, pray, and arrange for her to do the Sunday service alone; Delta Airlines, where the person who took my call put me on hold while she cried and spoke to her supervisor so that we could transfer the airline tickets we had purchased to attend Caitlyn’s high school graduation in six weeks – without any fees; and my friend Steven Brabant, for a ride to LAX very early on Sunday morning. If I called anyone else, I don’t remember.

Of the three weeks in Fort Lauderdale which followed, I remember staying with my dear friend Dr. Charles Geddes (well, arriving at his place, that’s about all I recall), making arrangements with the Neptune Society, bits of two very large memorial services, some connection with friends and family, and a few other things, but not very much. I realize now that what I was doing was grieving and that was, for me, a period of sadness and numbness. Along the way there was anger, despair, more anger, resignation, more sadness – much more. And the gradual realization that this had really happened and my beautiful daughter was gone; and that my life would never be the same. Memories had to be restructured and given new meaning, future plans and idealizations erased.

Joan Didion put it well:

A big lesson I learned through my spiritual philosophy, The Science of Mind, which I had been studying for nearly 20 years at that point, was that if I trusted Spirit and my connection, my grief would have a bottom. I could allow myself to grieve deeply without fear that I would lose myself. This was very comforting in helping me through the process (which never ends, by the way). I also had spiritual support from colleagues, friends, family, and others.

Spiritual maturity is the ability to face whatever comes along in life from a place of realization that it’s all divine – meaning that much of what happens is a mystery. The why questions about people dying are ultimately unanswerable. There are aspects of reality at play for which we have no understanding.

So, if I were to offer advice to anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one (or any other kind of loss), it would be this: 

• Let yourself grieve – your process will be unique in some ways and frustratingly conformist in others. Be with it regardless. Remember, it has a bottom; but it never ends.
• The memorial service is not the hardest part. As difficult as that can be, the weeks that followed were a wasteland of numbness for me. Life had no flavor, no prospect of joy, as Joan Didion noted above. And after a few weeks, ready or not, people start expecting you to be “normal” again.
• There is no appropriate time for grieving to be over; but it should become manageable over time. If it doesn’t, get some help.
• Try to have compassion for those who try to comfort you but do not know how. Next to losing my daughter, the most difficult part of the process was dealing with well-meaning but unskillful efforts to comfort me. Most of the time, the best thing to say to someone grieving is something like, “I don’t know what to say,” because, more often than not, that is the truth. And, of course, people are approaching a grieving person from their own fears – of death, of inadequacy, of sorrow, of loss. Compassion is the only answer.
• There is more to life than meets the eye. I have had experiences which point me to the realization that this experience of life isn’t all there is. I don’t pretend to have any details about what is beyond this experience and tend not to trust those who tell me they do. But there is more.
• Finally, show your love to those for whom you care – not out of sense of fear of loss, but rather out of a determination to live in greater joy now.

As always, your comments are appreciated.

Copyright 2018 – Jim Lockard

Reprinted with permission, Jan. 2021

Dr. Lockard produced a follow-up post to this one³.

Rev. Dr. Jim Lockard has been an ordained minister for over 20 years. He served in pulpits in Maryland, Florida, and California, and was a member of the Board of Directors of Religious Science International (Now Centers for Spiritual Living) for 9 years. He travels the world with his wife, Dorianne Cotter-Lockard, speaking, teaching, and coaching spiritual leaders. He has a BS Degree from the University of Maryland, College Park, and a MPA Degree from the University of Miami. He is the author of three books, among them Sacred Thinking: Awakening to Your Inner Power and Creating the Beloved Community: A Handbook for Spiritual Leadership. He blogs at NewThoughtEvolutionary.wordpress.com.

Leading Consciously concepts and skills
covered in this blog post:

• Avoid emotional suppression
• Build positive emotions
• Set a direction, not fixed outcomes

#grief    #JimLockard   #BetheChange

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