clearing emotions Archives

When what was going right suddenly starts to go wrong, it’s time to Lead Consciously for personal achievement and success

Monday, January 30th, 2012 at 7:09 pm  

What do you do when things don’t go as you planned? 

At the end of last semester, I became swamped. Grading student papers took a full week. My students’ papers were so excellent, my initial plans to just dash through them fell by the wayside as I read their heartfelt summaries of what they had gained during the semester.  The good news is that they inspired me tremendously. During the week or so that I read through their papers, I saw clearly why this work is important, why I do what I do, and how it can foster personal achievement and success.

After grading was finished, I planned a hiatus during the Christmas holidays. I even had the audacity of imagining myself staying in bed all day reading whatever I wanted and getting clear on my goals for 2012.

But…as John Lennon said, “Life is what happens when you are making other plans.”  Life for me came in the form of computer and cell phone breakdowns, family and personal illnesses and upsets, and my own thwarted determination to dejunk piles of papers that had more nostalgic benefit than current utility.

Read the rest of this entry

Workplace Undercover: How to deal with stress at work when people let you down, Part 2

Wednesday, August 17th, 2011 at 8:00 am  

Preface: Workplace Undercover is a recurring segment of this blog, featuring a workplace scenario and a response by a guest consultant. In the previous post, “How to Deal with Stress at Work When People Let You Down,”Vicki screams at Saul for not getting a draft document to her at the time he had promised.

She collapses nearly in tears, wondering whether she was the only one in the company who cares. Saul apologized and then secretly fumed, “Why didn’t someone do something about Vicky?” The case is discussed by Dr. Jo Bowens Lewis, a certified teaching and supervising transactional analyst, and a Leading Consciously practitioner.

We continue with Jo’s case analysis.
Read the rest of this entry

Workplace Undercover: How to deal with stress at work when people let you down

Sunday, August 7th, 2011 at 10:21 pm  

Preface:  Workplace Undercover is a recurring segment of this blog, featuring a workplace scenario and a response by a guest consultant.  The scenario below was written by Eillen Bui, our research associate.  Jo Bowens Lewis, a licensed psychologist, organizational consultant, and Leading Consciously practitioner will respond.

Read the rest of this entry

How to Reduce Stress at Work through Conscious Use of Self: Oprah Winfrey, Jennifer Hudson, and the Blizzard, Part 2

Monday, June 27th, 2011 at 8:00 am  

Preface: This continues the previous post, How to Reduce Stress at Work through Conscious Use of Self: Oprah Winfrey, Jennifer Hudson, and the Blizzard, Part 1, in which I described how Oprah Winfrey  coped with an nerve-wracking incident at work. Superstar Jennifer Hudson was unexpectedly late for a scheduled taping of the Oprah Winfrey show, throwing off the entire day’s schedule.  The unfolding events were shown in “Episode 116” of Season 25, the highly acclaimed reality show.

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How to Reduce Stress at Work through Conscious Use of Self: Oprah Winfrey, Jennifer Hudson, and the Blizzard, Part 1

Tuesday, June 21st, 2011 at 11:08 pm  

In Oprah Winfrey’s 25th and final season of her award-winning show, superstar Jennifer Hudson was scheduled to appear to discuss her amazing weight loss. Unfortunately for all of them, the taping was scheduled a day after the largest blizzard that Chicago had seen in 25 years, resulting in a textbook-like study of stress at work.

A behind-the-scenes look at what transpired that morning was shown on “Episode 116”of Season 25, the highly acclaimed reality show showing the makings of The Oprah Show’s 25th season.

Read the rest of this entry

Anxiety Self Help

Friday, December 17th, 2010 at 4:20 pm  

Experiencing Fear and Performing Anyway:  Emotional Clearing Technique #4

One day in class last year, a student asked me, “Do you have any tips on how not to be afraid when speaking in front of people?”  I responded that fear is an evolutionary gift, designed to protect us from harm.  However, in modern times, it may show up in situations in which we need to be bold in order to grow personally or professionally.  In those cases, I added, “I try not to give fear that kind of power over me.”

A week or so later, I received this inquiry from some of those in the class:

“As a group, we are all very intrigued by the idea of living with fear, and performing regardless of this feeling.  We would like to learn a little bit more about fear and techniques to use to push through the feeling.  We believe this is a different way of thinking about fear and we believe that in order to overcome being inhibited by fear, we could use a little more information.”

I responded that some people are highly sensitive, and I am one of those people.  One way this shows up is that I’m easily frightened.  As a coping strategy, I had learned a number of emotional clearing techniques to help abate the fear, but I never expected any of them to completely eliminate my fears.  So, as the saying goes, “I feel the fear and do it anyway.”

I then told them about an experience I had a few years ago.

Falling from 200 Feet — on Purpose

At the time, I was participating in a workshop where I learned several new techniques for emotional clearing.  After about four days of dredging up all kinds of fears and upsets and then clearing them out, I felt cleansed and victorious.

Since this was an out-of-town workshop, Diallo, my husband, came to visit me on the day off.   We decided to visit an amusement park that had a 200-foot SkyCoaster, a bungee jumping type contraption advertised to “give you the fall of your lifetime.”   I watched several people get strapped into a harness, lifted way, way, way up high on a crane, and then plunge down toward the ground until the harness caught and they began swinging back and forth.

After watching for a while, I decided to take the challenge.  As I explained to Diallo, “Hey, I’ve already faced all kinds of emotional fears.  I might as well try physical fear.”  A few minutes later, a couple of teenagers (certainly no older than 20) hooked me up in a harness and gave me hasty instructions on which cord to pull after I reached the top.

“Y’all know what you’re doing, right?” I weakly asked.  They laughed and assured me they did.

I took a deep breath and watched the landscape fade away as the cables lifted me up-up-up-up until Diallo was a speck on the ground.  I stayed there a few seconds, trying to enjoy the view while feeling the terror rise within me.  Deep breath and I pulled the cord.

I still remember the feeling of sheer terror.  Amazingly, even though my heart was in my throat, my thoughts stayed clear.  From an observer mode, I thought, “Wow!  Look at my body react.”

A couple of l-o-n-g seconds later, the harness caught and I was suspended several feet above ground, swinging back and forth.

As I swung, I turned and looked at the countryside.  It was a gorgeous day and a gorgeous countryside. What had been abject fear a minute ago turned into a feeling of extreme pleasure and sense of accomplishment even while my body was still shaking.

Observing Your Emotions

Recent research explains what had happened.  In an experiment about courage, two neuroscientists put snake-phobic people in a MRI with a real corn snake on a conveyor belt near them.  By pressing a button, people could either bring the snake closer to them or push it further away.  Those who brought the snake closer despite being afraid were classified as “courageous.”

What distinguished the courageous study participants from those who succumbed to fear?  The study measured two aspects of fear — subjective fear and physiological fear.  Subjective fear was measured by responses to questions about how afraid people felt.  Physiological fear was measured by how much they sweated.  Turns out that those who were able to move the snakes closer scored high in only one of the two types of fear.  If both types of fear were high, people moved the snake further away.

In the people who responded with courage by moving the snakes closer, the researcher found that parts of the brain were activated that suppressed emotional arousal.  When people succumbed to their fears and moved the snakes away, emotional arousal regions were more activated.

On the SkyCoaster, my body was physiologically raging — racing heart, trembles all over my body.  I believe that by observing my reactions as well as experiencing them, I dampened down my subjective fear.  Rather than identifying with that fear, I observed it from a place of curiosity. Some would say I was mindful rather than reactive. Those physiological reactions were not me.  They were the natural consequence of my body being dropped from 200 feet above ground.

How might you experience intense fear and perform anyway?  To get to this point, it’s helpful to remember that the body is geared to have physiological responses to threats of danger.  If our body feels threatened, it reacts.

You may choose to identify with those reactions and say, “Oh, horrors, I’m scared”—equating yourself with your emotions. Or, you could observe your reactions, noting what is happening physiologically, “My body is jumping around like crazy, my heart is racing, my hands are shaking — how interesting!”   Once you move into the observer status, the subjective experience of fear becomes diminished even though you may stay physiologically aroused.

In so doing, you are able to move the symbolic snake closer.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Emotional Clearing Techniques #1-3:

  1. Feel it, intensify it, and release it Technique  (see Reframing Change, Chapter 3)
  2. Sedona Technique (See Reframing Change, Chapter 3)
  3. The Mad-Sad-Scared-Glad Technique

Reference:   Nili, U., Goldberg, H., Weizman, A., & Dudai, Y. (2010). Fear Thou Not: Activity of Frontal and Temporal Circuits in Moments of Real-Life Courage. Neuron, 66 (6), 949-962 DOI: 10.1016

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Experiencing Fear and Performing Anyway: Emotional Clearing Technique #4

One day in class last year, a student asked me, “Do you have any tips on how not to be afraid when speaking in front of people?” I responded that fear is an evolutionary gift, designed to protect us from harm. However, in modern times, it may show up in situations in which we need to be bold in order to grow personally or professionally. In those cases, I added, “I try not to give fear that kind of power over me.”

A week or so later, I received this inquiry from some of those in the class:

“As a group, we are all very intrigued by the idea of living with fear, and performing regardless of this feeling. We would like to learn a little bit more about fear and techniques to use to push through the feeling. We believe this is a different way of thinking about fear and we believe that in order to overcome being inhibited by fear, we could use a little more information.”

I responded that some people are highly sensitive, and I am one of those people. What that means is that I’m easily frightened. As a coping strategy, I had learned a number of emotional clearing techniques to help abate the fear, but I never expected any of them to completely eliminate my fears. So, as the saying goes, “I feel the fear and do it anyway.”

http://leadingconsciously.com/achieving-your-goals/can-we-really-clear-our-negative-emotions/

I then told them about an experience I had a few years ago.

Falling from 200 Feet — on Purpose

At the time, I was participating in a workshop where I learned several new techniques for emotional techniques. After about four days of dredging up all kinds of fears and upsets and then clearing them out, I felt cleansed and victorious.

Since this was an out-of-town workshop, Diallo, my husband, came to visit me on the day off. We decided to visit an amusement park that had a 200-foot SkyCoaster, a bungee jumping type contraption advertised to “give you the fall of your lifetime.” I watched several people get strapped into a harness, lifted way, way, way up high on a crane, and then plunge down toward the ground until the harness caught and they began swinging back and forth.

After watching for a while, I decided to take the challenge. As I explained to Diallo, “Hey, I’ve already faced all kinds of emotional fears. I might as well try physical fear.” A few minutes later, a couple of teenagers (certainly no older than 20) hooked me up in a harness and gave me hasty instructions on which cord to pull after I reached the top.

“Y’all know what you’re doing, right?” I weakly asked. They laughed and assured me they did.

I took a deep breath and watched the landscape fade away as the cables lifted me up-up-up-up until Diallo was a speck on the ground. I stayed there a few seconds, trying to enjoy the view while feeling the terror rise within me. Deep breath and I pulled the cord.

I still remember the feeling of sheer terror. Amazingly, even though my heart was in my throat, my thoughts stayed clear. From an observer mode, I thought, “Wow! Look at my body react.”

A couple of l-o-n-g seconds later, the harness caught and I was suspended several feet above ground, swinging back and forth.

As I swung, I turned and looked at the countryside. It was a gorgeous day and a gorgeous countryside. What had been abject fear a minute ago turned into a feeling of extreme pleasure and sense of accomplishment even while my body was still shaking.

Observing Your Emotions

Recent research explains what had happened. In an experiment about courage, two neuroscientists put snake-phobic people in a MRI with a real corn snake on a conveyor belt near them. By pressing a button, people could either bring the snake closer to them or push it further away. Those who brought the snake closer despite being afraid were classified as “courageous.”

What distinguished the courageous study participants from those who succumbed to fear? The study measured two aspects of fear — subjective fear and physiological fear. Subjective fear was measured by responses to questions about how afraid people felt. Physiological fear was measured by how much they sweated. Turns out that those who were able to move the snakes closer scored high in only one of the two types of fear. If both types of fear were high, people moved the snake further away.

In the people who responded with courage by moving the snakes closer, the researcher found that parts of the brain were activated that suppressed emotional arousal. When people succumbed to their fears and moved the snakes away, emotional arousal regions were more activated.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=snakes-in-the-mri-machine

On the SkyCoaster, my body was physiologically raging — racing heart, trembles all over my body. I believe that by observing my reactions as well as experiencing them, I dampened down my subjective fear. Rather than identifying with that fear, I observed it from a place of curiosity. Some would say I was mindful rather than reactive. Those physiological reactions were not me. They were the natural consequence of my body being dropped from 200 feet above ground.

How might you experience intense fear and perform anyway? To get to this point, it’s helpful to remember that the body is geared to have physiological responses to threats of danger. For example, if our body feels threatened, it reacts. You may choose to identify with those reactions and say, “Oh, horrors, I’m scared”—equating yourself with your emotions. Or, you could observe your reactions, noting what is happening physiologically, “My body is jumping around like crazy, my heart is racing, my hands are shaking — how interesting!” Once you move into the observer status, the subjective experience of fear becomes diminished even though you may stay physiologically aroused.

In so doing, you are able to move the symbolic snake closer.

——————————————————————

References for Emotional Clearing Techniques #1-3:

1. Feel it, intensify it, and release it Technique (see Reframing Change, Chapter 3)

2. Sedona Technique (See Reframing Change, Chapter 3)

3. The Mad-Sad-Scared-Glad Technique http://leadingconsciously.com/achieving-your-goals/can-we-really-clear-our-negative-emotions/

 

Other references: Nili, U., Goldberg, H., Weizman, A., & Dudai, Y. (2010). Fear Thou Not: Activity of Frontal and Temporal Circuits in Moments of Real-Life Courage. Neuron, 66 (6), 949-962 DOI: 10.1016/j.neuron.2010.06.009…

One day in class last year, a student asked me, “Do you have any tips on how not to be afraid when speaking in front of people?” I responded that fear is an evolutionary gift, designed to protect us from harm. However, in modern times, it may show up in situations in which we need to be bold in order to grow personally or professionally. In those cases, I added, “I try not to give fear that kind of power over me.”

A week or so later, I received this inquiry from some of those in the class:

“As a group, we are all very intrigued by the idea of living with fear, and performing regardless of this feeling. We would like to learn a little bit more about fear and techniques to use to push through the feeling. We believe this is a different way of thinking about fear and we believe that in order to overcome being inhibited by fear, we could use a little more information.”

I responded that some people are highly sensitive, and I am one of those people. What that means is that I’m easily frightened. As a coping strategy, I had learned a number of emotional clearing techniques to help abate the fear, but I never expected any of them to completely eliminate my fears. So, as the saying goes, “I feel the fear and do it anyway.”

http://leadingconsciously.com/achieving-your-goals/can-we-really-clear-our-negative-emotions/

I then told them about an experience I had a few years ago.

Falling from 200 Feet — on Purpose

At the time, I was participating in a workshop where I learned several new techniques for emotional techniques. After about four days of dredging up all kinds of fears and upsets and then clearing them out, I felt cleansed and victorious.

Since this was an out-of-town workshop, Diallo, my husband, came to visit me on the day off. We decided to visit an amusement park that had a 200-foot SkyCoaster, a bungee jumping type contraption advertised to “give you the fall of your lifetime.” I watched several people get strapped into a harness, lifted way, way, way up high on a crane, and then plunge down toward the ground until the harness caught and they began swinging back and forth.

After watching for a while, I decided to take the challenge. As I explained to Diallo, “Hey, I’ve already faced all kinds of emotional fears. I might as well try physical fear.” A few minutes later, a couple of teenagers (certainly no older than 20) hooked me up in a harness and gave me hasty instructions on which cord to pull after I reached the top.

“Y’all know what you’re doing, right?” I weakly asked. They laughed and assured me they did.

I took a deep breath and watched the landscape fade away as the cables lifted me up-up-up-up until Diallo was a speck on the ground. I stayed there a few seconds, trying to enjoy the view while feeling the terror rise within me. Deep breath and I pulled the cord.

I still remember the feeling of sheer terror. Amazingly though, even though my heart was in my throat, my thoughts stayed clear. From an observer mode, I thought, “Wow! Look at my body react.”

A couple of l-o-n-g seconds later, the harness caught and I was suspended several feet above ground, swinging back and forth.

As I swung, I turned and looked at the countryside. It was a gorgeous day and a gorgeous countryside. What had been abject fear a minute ago turned into a feeling of extreme pleasure and sense of accomplishment even while my body was still shaking.

Observing Your Emotions

Recent research explains what had happened. In an experiment about courage, two neuroscientists put snake-phobic people in a MRI with a real corn snake on a conveyor belt near them. By pressing a button, people could either bring the snake closer to them or push it further away. Those who brought the snake closer despite being afraid were classified as “courageous.”

What distinguished the courageous study participants from those who succumbed to fear? The study measured two aspects of fear — subjective fear and physiological fear. Subjective fear was measured by responses to questions about how afraid people felt. Physiological fear was measured by how much they sweated. Turns out that those who were able to move the snakes closer scored high in only one of the two types of fear. If both types of fear were high, people moved the snake further away.

In the people who responded with courage by moving the snakes closer, the researcher found that parts of the brain were activated that suppressed emotional arousal. When people succumbed to their fears and moved the snakes away, emotional arousal regions were more activated.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=snakes-in-the-mri-machine

On the SkyCoaster, my body was physiologically raging — racing heart, trembles all over my body. I believe that by observing my reactions as well as experiencing them, I dampened down my subjective fear. Rather than identifying with that fear, I observed it from a place of curiosity. Some would say I was mindful rather than reactive. Those physiological reactions were not me. They were the natural consequence of my body being dropped from 200 feet above ground.

How might you experience intense fear and perform anyway? To get to this point, it’s helpful to remember that the body is geared to have physiological responses to threats of danger. For example, if our body feels threatened, it reacts. You may choose to identify with those reactions and say, “Oh, horrors, I’m scared”—equating yourself with your emotions. Or, you could observe your reactions, noting what is happening physiologically, “My body is jumping around like crazy, my heart is racing, my hands are shaking — how interesting!” Once you move into the observer status, the subjective experience of fear becomes diminished even though you may stay physiologically aroused.

In so doing, you are able to move the symbolic snake closer.

——————————————————————

References for Emotional Clearing Techniques #1-3:

1. Feel it, intensify it, and release it Technique (see Reframing Change, Chapter 3)

2. Sedona Technique (See Reframing Change, Chapter 3)

3. The Mad-Sad-Scared-Glad Technique

 

Other references: Nili, U., Goldberg, H., Weizman, A., & Dudai, Y. (2010). Fear Thou Not: Activity of Frontal and Temporal Circuits in Moments of Real-Life Courage. Neuron, 66 (6), 949-962 DOI: 10.1016/j.neuron.2010.06.009…

Workplace Undercover: Suffer in silence or speak up?

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010 at 8:00 am  

Preface:  Workplace Undercover will be a recurring segment of this blog, featuring a workplace scenario and a response by a guest consultant.  The scenario below was written by Eillen Bui, our research associate.  Mary Harlan of Harlan Consulting is guest consultant for this scenario.

———————————————————————————————————-

The scenario: Carina was recently promoted from Operator Technician to Engineer after working at TLC Co. for 15 years. To Carina, this promotion was bittersweet. She knew that she deserved this position, but felt it should have happened long ago. She was already doing everything the Engineer’s job description entailed years ago and was very experienced. The only thing was that she never earned a degree in engineering; everything she knew, she learned from working at the company.

Tom, the engineer she worked under, would assign Carina his tasks and then would take credit for her work. He even received a raise because of all the work that he was supposedly putting out. Carina would work in the background, believing she never received the credit she deserved.

Carina had many reasons for not wanting to bring up the situation to the partners of the company. She felt that as a female, she would never be considered for the position since only males held that title in her company. She also feared that she would be perceived as a weak, emotional female that would complain whenever she felt a “perceived injustice”.

As a first generation Filipino American, Carina was not as fluent in the American language as she wanted to be. She felt that if she brought up the subject, she would not be able to communicate her point to the partners effectively and that Tom would take that opportunity and discount her.

Carina would fume in the background, thinking that the partners surely knew she was the one who was doing all the work and was just turning a blind eye since Tom had seniority and was a white male, just like them!

The day after receiving her promotion, Carina began wondering whether she could now tell the partners how she had suffered in silence all these years, now she had had more of a voice in the company. She suspected what had happened to her was happening to another woman in the company and she thought the partners should know what was going on in their own company. Also, she just couldn’t bear to stay silent any longer.

But would she hurt her career by speaking up? And if she did tell them how she felt, what should she say and how should she say it?

———————————————————————————————————-

Today’s Response by Mary Harlan:

Carina, first of all, congratulations on a well deserved promotion! Yours is a difficult and complicated situation. It’s difficult because you must weigh the immediate emotional release you expect to get by speaking up against the longer term potential for backlash if do you speak up. Both options, particularly the potential for backlash are somewhat laden with assumptions. Consider the possibility that you could find a way to share your experience and your perspective in a way that provides insight rather than accuses.

Your situation is complicated because part of it is emotional (the accumulated years of hurt, betrayal, and resentment) and part of it relates to what you experience as fair or just in your work setting.

I would encourage you to work through your emotional charge on this before you do anything. A first step you might take is clearing your emotions to the point that you can sincerely appreciate where people are in the organization and how they have possibly and unconsciously acted out of their cultural conditioning – the way things have always been done in their organization . This could release you from having an emotionally driven agenda with your decision.

Once you have cleared your emotions, if you decide to say nothing, you will be okay your decision. If you decide to speak up, you will be able to do so with clarity of purpose. This clarity will increase the likelihood that your speaking up provides insight and has a positive outcome for others…and decrease the odds that you are perceived as a “weak, emotional female that would complain whenever you felt a perceived injustice”.

When (and if) you share your experience, two points are important to keep in mind:

  • Clarify your intention to share with those in the company regarding how their actions can result in perceptions of injustice.
    • Example: “I’m not sure if you know how or why what you are doing might seem to others such as myself even if this is not your intention. May I share this with you?….
  • Clarify your awareness that your perspective is born out of your history and emotionally-laden for you. This means that it easily could reflect a bias or slanted perspective on your part.
    • Example: “I want you to know that I know that because I was not born in this country, I am probably looking at what is happening here from a different point of view than others here. I feel strongly about this and for this reason, there may be important subtleties about how things are done that I am missing.

Both of these points can be positive for the other person to hear. Hearing that you don’t think they intend to be hurtful can mitigate the reaction that they could have of feeling falsely accused.

Hearing that you’re aware of your perspective can support their openness to understand much more personally and poignantly how their behaviors impact people in the organization and ultimately performance.

Can you imagine sharing with them your experience in such a way that they thank you and ask you to further share with them your experience and perception? This is the possibility available with cultural understanding, accountability (not blame) for our own history, and forgiveness (both for yourself and others).

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Mary Harlan, President of Harlan Consulting, is a consultant and coach, specializing in change management, cultural competence, diversity, leadership, and teams.  For more information, see www.harlanconsulting.com.  Mary is also a practitioner with Leading Consciously.

Workplace Undercover: Strategies for dealing with negative feedback Part II

Wednesday, October 6th, 2010 at 6:22 pm  

Preface:  Workplace Undercover is a recurring segment of this blog, featuring a workplace scenario and a response by a guest consultant. This scenario was written by Carole Marmell. Jennifer Joyce, cofounder of LeadershipSmarts, responds. This is the second of a three-part segment.

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In the previous post, Molly, a young bank employee, had expected supportive feedback from her manager during her yearly performance appraisal. Instead her manager strongly criticized her and accused her of acting arrogant and believing she is smarter than everyone else. What can Molly do?

Jennifer Joyce responds:

In this scenario, it may be easy to find problems with how Molly’s supervisor and the appraisal committee are providing feedback. The feedback doesn’t appear to have a strengths-based approach or include positive feedback. It is entirely negative. The information is not specific and is full of judgment (“arrogant”) and assumptions (Molly thinks she’s smarter than us). And it sounds as though there may be issues around Molly receiving the direction and guidance she needs to do a good job on unfamiliar tasks. Finally, Molly is blind-sided by the information as she is expecting a glowing evaluation.

Nonetheless, making a case for “poor Molly” would take Molly down the path to powerlessness.  Handled well, the situation could prove to be a gold mine for developing interpersonal skills, building more trusting relationships, and gaining new self-awareness about blind spots that have been undermining her success at work. To turn this situation into a positive career win, Molly should focus on three things: engage in self-management, “be in the question,” and “uncollapse” the issues of personal effectiveness from quality of work.

Engage in self-management

Any of us could easily be knocked off our center when receiving critical feedback, especially when we’re not expecting it. Molly doesn’t appear to be too emotionally triggered, so she has a good chance of managing herself well during the interaction. Nonetheless, she is struggling with how to explain her side of things without sounding defensive and questioning her own sense of reality and belief in herself.

During the discussion, Molly needs to have two main goals: to stay calm and to stay curious. That could be difficult if, like most of us, her natural inclination is to defend herself.

Molly needs to buy a little time to center herself and access her self-management skills.  To release her stress, she might want to take a few deep breaths, relax back in her chair, and review the points that her supervisor brought up.

It’s always a good idea to take notes in a feedback discussion, as this will help catch the most important points for review later. In addition, reviewing her notes in the meeting would help Molly buy a little time to think through how best to respond.

Be in the Question (Inquiry)

Like many of us, Molly may feel pulled to “be in the answer,” which means she will stick with her own assessment of the situation that makes Molly right and others wrong.

But if Molly uses that strategy she loses on many counts. First, she will damage her relationships and her reputation as people will not only see her as arrogant, but also as unwilling to take feedback and make necessary changes.  More importantly, she will miss the gift that feedback could provide: the chance to see things about herself that others see and she doesn’t.  Without that outside-in view, she could continue to go through life not getting the results she wants and never understanding why.

The way through this dilemma is for Molly to “be in the question,” which means setting aside assumptions in order to become curious about everything that is happening. “What is it that causes people to see me as arrogant?”  “What behaviors could they describe to give me a clue about how they experience me?” “Could they give me an example of a negative appraisal I made that seems out of line?” These questions would help her supervisor provide more specific quality feedback.

Molly could act as her own personal anthropologist trying to understand the world through other’s eyes. If she can stay “in the question,” she will jump start new levels of self-awareness that could lead to tremendous personal growth. She may be able to begin changing assumptions and behaviors that are undermining her effectiveness and begin an upward spiral in her professional development.

“Uncollapse” the Issues

Molly’s biggest concern is that that her team might consider her work substandard. That would be awful for Molly as she takes great pride in producing high-quality work. It’s an important value of hers.

However, if Molly reviewed her notes, she would realize that her supervisor said nothing about the quality of her work. Rather, the feedback is about the quality of her interpersonal effectiveness. She needs to address the two issues separately: first the interpersonal effectiveness issue, and then the work quality issue.

If she was able to be “in the question” when she received that feedback, she is well on her way to addressing the first issue of interpersonal effectiveness.

But that still leaves Molly worried about perceptions about her work performance. Now that she understands the interpersonal issues, she can ask her supervisor to give her feedback on the quality of her work.

Again, she must stay in the question so she can truly hear what her supervisor has to say. She can use the same skills and ask for specific examples to help her understand the feedback, which may be quite good. She can help her supervisor uncollapse the issues by asking “Now that I understand the concerns regarding my interpersonal effectiveness, could we spend a few minutes reviewing the quality of my work?”

Summary.  Here are three steps Molly might take:

  • Engage in self-management
  • Be in the question
  • Uncollapse the Issues

But what about the bank’s role? How might the bank as an organization support Molly and her supervisor in giving and receiving more effective feedback?  This will be discussed in the next post.

References:  Reframing Change, Building Effective Relationships, Chapter 4

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Jennifer Joyce, cofounder of LeadershipSmarts.com, is a leadership development consultant and coach.  She specializes in diversity, continuous quality Improvement, team effectiveness, change leadership, strategic planning, meeting design and facilitation, leadership development and executive coaching.  For more information, see www.leadershipsmarts.com

Carole Marmell, LMSW-IPR, C-SWHC, is a hospice social worker.

Developing Emotional Intelligence:Can We Really Clear our Negative Emotions?

Friday, August 20th, 2010 at 10:30 pm  

What happens when we are really upset about something? Our minds become a swirling tempest and it’s hard to focus on what we are intending to do. We might also get into trouble — saying things that shouldn’t come out of our mouths or taking rash actions that could crash our careers. Because being able to handle our negative emotions is so important, Jean Ramsey and I devoted most of Chapter 3 to it in Reframing Change.

In an earlier post, I explained that resistance to change is one form of a negative emotion that inhibits our chances of achieving our goals. As a solution, I suggested trying the three step process for emotional clearing: feel the negative emotion of resistance, intensify it, and release it.

In reply, Aleksandra wrote, “Jean, I love your article. I find very interesting that desire can subside if you intensify it. I’m looking forward to experimenting with it.”

This is such an important topic, I decided to devote this blog entry to it. Can we really clear our negative emotions by deliberately feeling and intensifying them? If so, how? One tool is what I call the Mad-Sad-Scared-Glad Technique.

The Mad-Sad-Scared-Glad Technique

I used this tool last week when I woke up at 3 a.m. with vague feelings of worry and dread. For me, the technique is an excavation in which I ferret out, label, and do all I can do to fully experience each and every negative emotion that I uncover. During the day, I may work from a feelings chart, but by night, I stick with the basic four of mad, sad, scared, and glad.  Sometimes it works if I lie in bed and do it all in my head. This time, though, I was too upset to stay focused, so I got up and went and sat on the couch. After propping myself up with a bunch of pillows, I put my netbook on my lap, and started typing away. Here’s a sample of what it looks like:

Do I feel sad? Oh, yes, I do, let me really amplify that feeling. This is heartbreaking. Do I feel mad? Yes, indeed. How dare she have done such a thing! I’m really angry about it. Do I feel scared? No, not really, but wait, yes, there is a hint of fear here. Let’s see. Let me go into it more closely. Oh my goodness, I am actually terrified.

How about glad? There is nothing to be glad about here. Actually, I am really glad she got her comeuppance. Oh, that’s awful. How can I be glad  about all that interpersonal conflict and someone else’s misery? But I’m not going to shut down that feeling. I will just smirk away at the very thought of her misery — poetic justice to her! Now I feel remorse. How could I wish harm on someone like that? Okay, I’ll sink into the glee that she got her comeuppance and then I’ll sink into the remorse that I am glad about it.

Now, suddenly, I feel sad for her — very sad. And she doesn’t have a clue as to what she can do about it. It’s awful to feel so powerless. I can really feel that.

After ferreting out different emotions, I started listing general fears, then general desires, and then suddenly, I typed, “I will be alright.” I woke up a couple of hours later with the netbook still on my lap. The negative emotions had been released.

Note that in the Mad-Sad-Scared-Glad process, the “story” of what had happened to me wasn’t important. I didn’t dwell on it or attempt to explain or even to write it. Rather, the target was the underlying emotions that the story generated.

Why does this work?

Turns out that there is an ever-growing body of neuroscientific research on what is called “emotional self-regulation,” the ability to regulate our own emotions. Key parts of the brain are the amygdala which is involved in processing our emotions and the prefrontal cortex which serves a governance function — planning, decision-making, and issuing commands. When we are upset, the amygdala and related systems are activated. Their activation means that our prefrontal cortex has to work harder to gain our attention — in short, our emotions are on fire and it’s hard to focus and concentrate.

The goal of clearing our emotions, then, is to deactivate the amygdala and free up the prefrontal cortex so that it can do its governance job better.

Researchers have found two things about emotional self-regulation that are related to the Mad-Sad-Scared-Glad technique:

  1. Simply labeling and monitoring one’s negative emotions reduces activation of the amygdala and increases activation of the prefrontal cortex. As I named what I was feeling, I was also monitoring how my body responded to each label. This decreased the intensity of my negative emotions and increased my ability to actually think.
  2. Expecting that I could actually impact my emotions predisposed me to be successful. We already know that it’s easier to achieve something once we make the commitment to do so. This works with emotional clearing as well.

As I lay in bed at 3 a.m. that morning, I wrestled with whether I would really drag myself out of bed and start typing it all out. I knew there was 95% chance it would work if I got up and did the exercise so I did. The payoff was that it worked, and I fell back to sleep immediately after. Each time I do it, I gain more confidence that it will work for me and the cycle of success breeds more success.

What does this mean for you?

If you have worries that interfere with what you are trying to do, consider trying emotional clearing as a a stress management technique. We describe two in Chapter 3 of Reframing Change:  uncensored journaling and the Sedano Method. Mad-Sad-Scared-Glad is another. Over the next few months, we intend to put more techniques up on the web at www.leadingconsciously.com and I may post some on this blog as well.

What do you have to gain? How about increased clarity, focus, and ability to achieve your goals?

Questions:

  1. What do you when you get really upset?
  2. Do you have an emotional clearing process that works for you?

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Note: I am grateful to my friend and colleague, Jo BowensLewis, PsyD of the Center for Cooperative Change in Atlanta, who introduced me to mad, sad, scared, and glad as the four primary emotions according to transactional analysis theory.

References:

  • Latting & Ramsey, Reframing Change, Chapter 3.
  • Hemenover, S. H., Augustine, A. A., Shulman, T., Tran, T. Q., & Barlett, C. P. (2008). Individual differences in negative affect repair. Emotion, 8(4), 468-478.

Chronically stressed or happy at work – Part 3

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010 at 3:09 pm  

In Part 1 of this series, we talked about the chronic stress experienced by many people in today’s organizations. Much of that stress may be accounted for by tremendous workloads and pressures to produce in today’s organizations.

In Part 2, we talked about one organization, Zappos, an online shoe store, whose CEO seeks to reverse that trend by focusing on employee happiness. In his business model, happy employees provide better service and better service brings and keeps customers.

Meanwhile, though, if our organization doesn’t seem to do enough to help us alleviate our stress, much less promote our happiness, what do the rest of us do?

How might we consciously use ourselves to cope more effectively with our own stress?

You already know the standard prescriptions: take care of your body through exercise and healthy foods, keep a gratitude journal, use time management strategies that work for you, find and use an emotional clearing technique, and so forth.  We discuss the gratitude journal and emotional clearing in Reframing Change.

But what if we are so stressed out and so busy we just can’t make time to do those things?

That’s the irony, isn’t it? Many of us are so time-poor and stressed out that we don’t believe we can take the time to follow these standard prescriptions.

Here’s where an understanding of what causes unhealthy stress is helpful. Some stress is good. Competing in a sport, or learning a new task, for example, can be stressful, but can also energize us and spur our learning.

Chronic stress, though, is unhealthy. Chronic stress is what occurs when we keep going and going and going without allowing time for recovery. With no let-up, our bodies and our minds give out. We become physically tired, emotionally depleted, and mentally unable to focus. Studies have repeatedly shown that under the high demands of chronic stress, people become less innovative, less supportive of one another, and more likely to stereotype and demean one another.

Rather than having a natural fluctuation of stress followed by relaxation, we experience stress and more stress and still more stress. High workloads, high-pressure deadlines, and frequent interruptions make it hard for most of us to give ourselves permission to relax.

Now add to this a work culture in which those who work the longest and the hardest are the most rewarded and become organizational heroes. In many work settings, taking time for self-care is anathema — a sign of laziness, selfishness, or indifference to “getting ahead.”

The other day, I ran into an acquaintance at the supermarket. “Staying busy?” she asked me with a smile. This is a typical greeting. But why not ask me, “Are you finding time to relax?” What’s with our work culture that we are encouraged by acquaintances to “stay busy”?

So how do we schedule in periods of recovery?

Instead of waiting for that golden opportunity for the two week vacation that never comes, schedule in some short (even tiny) periods of recovery every day.

In our home office, my husband and I have accidentally stumbled upon a solution that definitely helps. For health reasons, we moved the printer into another room. This means that whenever I print, I have to get out of my chair to get the document. I had thought this would be annoying.

Instead, that tiny change that has made a surprising difference for me. No more three-hour stints in front of the computer. When I get up to go get a document, I often find myself taking a moment to do something else — tidying up, stretching a bit, or finding something to munch on.

That small break is enough to sustain me for another period of writing and work. By the time I sit down, my mental batteries are just recharged enough so that I can focus anew on what I was doing.

Why does that work? Jim Loeher and Tony Schwartz, authors of the “Corporate Athlete,” noticed that the best tennis competitors engaged in “precise recovery rituals” in between points. They would concentrate on the strings on their rackets, assume a confident posture, or visualize the next play.

These rituals allowed players to avoid succumbing to frustrations and instead to focus on what was happening in the moment, and prepare for the next point. Athletes who didn’t have good recovery rituals in between matches were more likely to choke under pressure and scored less points.

What does this mean for you and me?

Here’s the recommendation:

Establish a pattern of oscillation between focused work and mental relaxation — that is, between stress and recovery — throughout the day.

Loeher and Schwartz recommend doing this every 90 to 120 minutes. I have found that shorter periods work better for me. The point is, to systematically seek to establish your own rhythm. You’ll know it when you find it. Once you find it, you won’t want to do without it.

Why is it worth doing? This blog is written for people who want to make positive changes in their sphere of influence. If you are the instrument that you will use to make that difference, then you are worth taking care of.

Questions:

  1. What techniques do you use to manage your stress? Do they work?
  2. Do you have a ritual for recovery that you use throughout the day? Does it work?

References:

Kimberly, D. E., & Andrew, B. H. (2006). Enhancing creativity through “mindless” work: A framework of workday design. Organization Science, 17(4), 470.

Loehr, J., & Schwartz, T. (2001). The making of a corporate athlete. Harvard Business Review, 79(1), 120-128.

 

In Part 1 of this series, we talked about the chronic stress experienced by many people in today’s organizations. Much of that stress may be accounted for by tremendous workloads and pressures to produce in today’s organizations. http://leadingconsciously.com/making-positive-changes/chronically-stressed-or-happy-at-work-part1/

In Part 2, we talked about one organization, Zappos, an online shoe store, whose CEO seeks to reverse that trend by focusing on employee happiness. In his business model, happy employees provide better service and better service brings and keeps customers. http://leadingconsciously.com/making-positive-changes/chronically-stressed-or-happy-at-work-part1/

Meanwhile, though, if our organization doesn’t seem to do enough to help us alleviate our stress, much less promote our happiness, what do the rest of us do?

How might we cope more effectively with our own stress?

You already know the standard prescriptions: take care of your body through exercise and healthy foods, keep a gratitude journal, use time management strategies that work for you, find and use an emotional clearing technique, and so forth. http://leadingconsciously.com/uncategorized/online-resource-when-time-means-everything-randy-pausch/.

But what if we are so stressed out and so busy we just can’t make time to do those things?

That’s the irony, isn’t it? Many of us are so time-poor and stressed out that we don’t believe we can take the time to follow these standard prescriptions.

Here’s where an understanding of what causes unhealthy stress is helpful. Some stress is good. Competing in a sport, or learning a new task, for example, can be stressful, but can also energize us and spur our learning.

Chronic stress, though, is unhealthy. Chronic stress is what occurs when we keep going and going and going without allowing time for recovery. With no let-up, our bodies and our minds give out. We become physically tired, emotionally depleted, and mentally unable to focus. Studies have repeatedly shown that under the high demands of chronic stress, people become less innovative, less supportive of one another, and more likely to stereotype and demean one another.

Rather than having a natural fluctuation of stress followed by relaxation, we experience stress and more stress and still more stress. High workloads, high-pressure deadlines, and frequent interruptions make it hard for most of us to give ourselves permission to relax.

Now add to this a work culture in which those who work the longest and the hardest are the most rewarded and become organizational heroes. In many work settings, taking time for self-care is anathema — a sign of laziness, selfishness, or indifference to “getting ahead.”

The other day, I ran into an acquaintance at the supermarket. “Staying busy?” she asked me with a smile. This is a typical greeting. But why not ask me, “Are you finding time to relax?” What’s with our work culture that we are encouraged by acquaintances to “stay busy”?

So how do we schedule in periods of recovery?

Instead of waiting for that golden opportunity for the two week vacation that never comes, schedule in some short (even tiny) periods of recovery every day.

In our home office, my husband and I have accidentally stumbled upon a solution that definitely helps. For health reasons, we moved the printer into another room. This means that whenever I print, I have to get out of my chair to get the document. I had thought this would be annoying.

Instead, that tiny change that has made a surprising difference for me. No more three-hour stints in front of the computer. When I get up to go get a document, I often find myself taking a moment to do something else — tidying up, stretching a bit, or finding something to munch on.

That small break is enough to sustain me for another period of writing and work. By the time I sit down, my mental batteries are just recharged enough so that I can focus anew on what I was doing.

Why does that work? Jim Loeher and Tony Schwartz, authors of the “Corporate Athlete,” noticed that the best tennis competitors engaged in “precise recovery rituals” in between points. They would concentrate on the strings on their rackets, assume a confident posture, or visualize the next play.

These rituals allowed players to avoid succumbing to frustrations and instead to focus on what was happening in the moment, and prepare for the next point. Athletes who didn’t have good recovery rituals in between matches were more likely to choke under pressure and scored less points.

What does this mean for you and me?

Here’s the recommendation: Establish a pattern of oscillation between focused work and mental relaxation — that is, between stress and recovery — throughout the day. Loeher and Schwartz recommend doing this every 90 to 120 minutes. I have found that shorter periods work better for me. The point is, to systematically seek to establish your own rhythm. You’ll know it when you find it. Once you find it, you won’t want to do without it.

Why is it worth doing? This blog is written for people who want to make positive changes in their sphere of influence. If you are the instrument that you will use to make that difference, then you are worth taking care of.

Questions:

1. What techniques do you use to manage your stress? Do they work?

2. Do you have a ritual for recovery that you use throughout the day? Does it work?

References:

Kimberly, D. E., & Andrew, B. H. (2006). Enhancing creativity through “mindless” work: A framework of workday design. Organization Science, 17(4), 470.

Loehr, J., & Schwartz, T. (2001). The making of a corporate athlete. Harvard Business Review, 79(1), 120-128.

How to achieve your goals despite yourself

Monday, May 24th, 2010 at 1:55 am  

How to achieve your goals despite yourself

What keeps us from being the positive change we want to see? If you’re like me, here’s what happens. I start out full of resolve and commitment to actually accomplish things that I really want to do, but just can’t get up the gumption to do them: go to the health club, eat more vegetables, work on a proposal, or make that dreaded phone call.

Or, I might do things that I know aren’t good for me: eating high fat foods or too many sweets, procrastinating on things that would take me only a few minutes if I would just do them, or saying things that I know are inappropriate.

Either way, I find myself doing what I’ve decided not to do or I stop myself from doing what I really want to do. What causes these internal conflicts? Read the rest of this entry