Subscribe via Email
Preface: Martin Prouix, President of Pyxis and an organizational coach, posted this article on his blog, Analytical-Mind.com, this past fall. For years, I have asked students, people I coach, and sometimes even myself whether they would rather be right or effective. Martin poses essentially the same question by asking, “is it better to be right or to be helpful.” His example on what can go wrong when trying to build effective relationships is worth sharing.
Jean
Preface: In an earlier post, I continued the series on Napoleon Hill’s application of the Law of Attraction as explained in his 1928 book, Law of Success. This post is Part 2 on “the habit of doing more than paid for,” one of Hill’s principles for personal achievement and success. For Part 1, click here:
Hill describes two important periods that people who wish to be successful must go through. The first is learning and organizing knowledge about our field of work. This in itself requires tremendous effort.
The second is the period in which we must convince others that we can do the work. During this second period especially, Hill advises that every time we give our services, we gain another opportunity to prove to others what we can do. This is where the habit of doing more than is paid for becomes especially useful. As Hill explains:
“Instead of saying to the world, ‘Show me the color of your money and I will show you what I can do, reverse the rule and say, ‘Let me show you the color of my service so that I may take a look at the color of your money if you like my service’” (p.695).
Once we do more than is paid for, what Hill calls the Law of Increasing Returns kicks in to deliver our benefit.
Preface: Does it make sense to do more than we are paid for? Napoleon Hill says yes, that the habit of doing more than we are paid for is key to our personal achievement and success.
This post continues the series on Napoleon Hill’s application of the Law of Attraction as explained in his 1928 book, Law of Success. The book provides fundamentals for achieving success for those who enact them. Hill developed his compendium of traits (with the help of Andrew Carnegie) based on interviews with over 500 successful men and women of the time. In these posts, I discuss how Hill’s theory – and the Law of Attraction – is supported by behavioral science theories. For prior posts in this series, click here and here.
Preface: The previous post described how I came to view “the law of attraction”as a voluntary behavioral modification technique. Recently popularized in the book, The Secret, the law of attraction holds that our thoughts determine what we attract into our lives. I decided to blog about this after reading the beginning of Napoleon Hill’s (1928) The Law of Success.
To continue from the previous post…..
In Oprah Winfrey’s 25th and final season of her award-winning show, superstar Jennifer Hudson was scheduled to appear to discuss her amazing weight loss. Unfortunately for all of them, the taping was scheduled a day after the largest blizzard that Chicago had seen in 25 years, resulting in a textbook-like study of stress at work.
A behind-the-scenes look at what transpired that morning was shown on “Episode 116”of Season 25, the highly acclaimed reality show showing the makings of The Oprah Show’s 25th season.
Employee motivation is a recurrent problem creating stress at work for managers, employees, and just about everyone who works with people. In this post, Professor Jeffrey Ford, an expert on personal leadership effectiveness, succinctly describes how to delegate a task to ensure clarity and increase motivation.
As an added bonus, readers of Reframing Change will recognize that these are a great set of questions for testing assumptions about expectations – whether you are the delegator of the task or the person to whom the task is assigned.
I am grateful to Professor Ford for giving me permission to reproduce this gem of a post.
Get Better Results from Other People
By Jeffrey Ford, on January 27th, 2011
One of the persistent questions I get from people in my classes and training sessions is “What can I do to motivate people to give me work that is complete, accurate, and on time? I am tired of the excuses.” Fair question, though I think it is misdirected. It attributes the problem to their motivation rather than to the quality of the request and promise being made.
If you want to improve the quality and timeliness of what you get back from people, then start making good requests and getting good promises. By good requests and promises, I mean ones in which both parties are clear they are in a performance conversation for giving their word and are awake to what they are committing each other to. All too frequently, people make “drive by requests” and “drive by promises” – ones that are made on the run or while doing something else and where at least one party is not completely present to what they are promising. The result is that what gets delivered is not always accurate, complete, or timely. Making good requests and getting good promises are integral to personal leadership effectiveness.
A good promise is one that is made in response to a good request, and here is how you make a good request:
Step 1:
Request what you want, by when you want it, and explain why it matters.
Step 2:
Get answers to each of the following questions:
1. Do you have any questions about what I want, when I want it, or why?
2. Are you available to do this? Do you see when you could do the work? Are you aware of anything that could keep you from completing it on time?
3. Do you have some ideas as to how this might be done? [This is particularly important when requesting something they haven’t done before.]
4. Do you have the necessary information and resources or do you know where to get them? [This can change over the duration of a project as things that were not known become known – one reason why you would want to schedule progress reports.]
5. Are you accepting my request?
When you get answers that leave you confident the work will be completed accurately, completely, and on time, you have a “good” promise. If you are not confident, explore the answers that give you concern until you are confident. It is better to withdraw a request you are not confident will be completed than to “hope” it will get done.
Peter Bergmann suggests that the secret to ensuring follow through is to create and use a checklist when making each request. Using a checklist (see Bergmann’s checklist) as a matter of policy increases the likelihood of making good requests, increases consistency (which builds trust), and makes the interaction easier.
Reproduced with permission of Jeffrey Ford, Professor of Management in the Max M. Fisher College of Business at The Ohio State University, and author of The Four Conversations, www.professorford.com
Week after week, a manager complains to her staff about missed project deadlines. Usually, only one or two completely finish the tasks they were assigned. The others make some progress toward their weekly goals or none at all. She lectures them about taking personal responsibility for the team’s success.
An instructor gently chides students in his class for not participating more in class. As he stands in front of the classroom, looking at the 20 students clustered in rows in front of his desk, he says, “This is such a small class. We could have excellent participation if only you would talk more about the readings. If you want to advance in your careers, you need to learn to take more individual responsibility.”
A parent yells at her kid for dumping his books, jackets, and lunch box on the floor right by the door when she comes home from school every day. “This is your home,” she explains with exasperation in her voice. “When are you going to learn to take responsibility for how it looks?”
The concept of “leading consciously” implies individual responsibility — people willingly assuming conscious awareness of thoughts, emotions, and actions. Yet, individual responsibility alone won’t get us where we want to go if situational factors work against us. And lecturing others about individual responsibility is equally doomed to failure if their environment is compelling them in another direction.
Preface: Workplace Undercover is a recurring segment of this blog, featuring a workplace scenario and a response by a guest consultant. This scenario was written by Carole Marmell. Jennifer Joyce, cofounder of LeadershipSmarts, responds. This is the second of a three-part segment.
———————————————————————————————————————
In the previous post, Molly, a young bank employee, had expected supportive feedback from her manager during her yearly performance appraisal. Instead her manager strongly criticized her and accused her of acting arrogant and believing she is smarter than everyone else. What can Molly do?
Jennifer Joyce responds:
In this scenario, it may be easy to find problems with how Molly’s supervisor and the appraisal committee are providing feedback. The feedback doesn’t appear to have a strengths-based approach or include positive feedback. It is entirely negative. The information is not specific and is full of judgment (“arrogant”) and assumptions (Molly thinks she’s smarter than us). And it sounds as though there may be issues around Molly receiving the direction and guidance she needs to do a good job on unfamiliar tasks. Finally, Molly is blind-sided by the information as she is expecting a glowing evaluation.
Nonetheless, making a case for “poor Molly” would take Molly down the path to powerlessness. Handled well, the situation could prove to be a gold mine for developing interpersonal skills, building more trusting relationships, and gaining new self-awareness about blind spots that have been undermining her success at work. To turn this situation into a positive career win, Molly should focus on three things: engage in self-management, “be in the question,” and “uncollapse” the issues of personal effectiveness from quality of work.
Any of us could easily be knocked off our center when receiving critical feedback, especially when we’re not expecting it. Molly doesn’t appear to be too emotionally triggered, so she has a good chance of managing herself well during the interaction. Nonetheless, she is struggling with how to explain her side of things without sounding defensive and questioning her own sense of reality and belief in herself.
During the discussion, Molly needs to have two main goals: to stay calm and to stay curious. That could be difficult if, like most of us, her natural inclination is to defend herself.
Molly needs to buy a little time to center herself and access her self-management skills. To release her stress, she might want to take a few deep breaths, relax back in her chair, and review the points that her supervisor brought up.
It’s always a good idea to take notes in a feedback discussion, as this will help catch the most important points for review later. In addition, reviewing her notes in the meeting would help Molly buy a little time to think through how best to respond.
Like many of us, Molly may feel pulled to “be in the answer,” which means she will stick with her own assessment of the situation that makes Molly right and others wrong.
But if Molly uses that strategy she loses on many counts. First, she will damage her relationships and her reputation as people will not only see her as arrogant, but also as unwilling to take feedback and make necessary changes. More importantly, she will miss the gift that feedback could provide: the chance to see things about herself that others see and she doesn’t. Without that outside-in view, she could continue to go through life not getting the results she wants and never understanding why.
The way through this dilemma is for Molly to “be in the question,” which means setting aside assumptions in order to become curious about everything that is happening. “What is it that causes people to see me as arrogant?” “What behaviors could they describe to give me a clue about how they experience me?” “Could they give me an example of a negative appraisal I made that seems out of line?” These questions would help her supervisor provide more specific quality feedback.
Molly could act as her own personal anthropologist trying to understand the world through other’s eyes. If she can stay “in the question,” she will jump start new levels of self-awareness that could lead to tremendous personal growth. She may be able to begin changing assumptions and behaviors that are undermining her effectiveness and begin an upward spiral in her professional development.
Molly’s biggest concern is that that her team might consider her work substandard. That would be awful for Molly as she takes great pride in producing high-quality work. It’s an important value of hers.
However, if Molly reviewed her notes, she would realize that her supervisor said nothing about the quality of her work. Rather, the feedback is about the quality of her interpersonal effectiveness. She needs to address the two issues separately: first the interpersonal effectiveness issue, and then the work quality issue.
If she was able to be “in the question” when she received that feedback, she is well on her way to addressing the first issue of interpersonal effectiveness.
But that still leaves Molly worried about perceptions about her work performance. Now that she understands the interpersonal issues, she can ask her supervisor to give her feedback on the quality of her work.
Again, she must stay in the question so she can truly hear what her supervisor has to say. She can use the same skills and ask for specific examples to help her understand the feedback, which may be quite good. She can help her supervisor uncollapse the issues by asking “Now that I understand the concerns regarding my interpersonal effectiveness, could we spend a few minutes reviewing the quality of my work?”
Summary. Here are three steps Molly might take:
But what about the bank’s role? How might the bank as an organization support Molly and her supervisor in giving and receiving more effective feedback? This will be discussed in the next post.
References: Reframing Change, Building Effective Relationships, Chapter 4
———————————————————————————————————————
Jennifer Joyce, cofounder of LeadershipSmarts.com, is a leadership development consultant and coach. She specializes in diversity, continuous quality Improvement, team effectiveness, change leadership, strategic planning, meeting design and facilitation, leadership development and executive coaching. For more information, see www.leadershipsmarts.com
Carole Marmell, LMSW-IPR, C-SWHC, is a hospice social worker.
In the last few months, I have gotten into friendly debates with others about whether it is appropriate for local school boards to ban candy and soda from their public schools in light of the alarming increase in childhood obesity.
A recent Rasmussen Reports public poll shows how controversial an issue this is. Results indicated that 52% of the public favors the ban and 40% oppose it. This is a case in leading consciously.
On the one hand are the advocates of personal responsibility. They contend that instead of banning candy and soda from school vending machines, schools and parents should teach children proper nutrition.
On the other hand are those who emphasize changing systems, not just individuals. These advocates base their opinions on a growing body of behavioral science research on how we as human make choices. The evidence is emerging that our environment influences our behavior more than most people imagine.
All of this was brought to mind when I discovered a wonderful website that succinctly summarizes research studies about how heavily influenced we are by subconscious thoughts and the environment in which we live and work.
The website includes a publication entitled MINDSPACE, an acronym for influences on our behavior. Quoting directly from the website:
In short, most of our day-to-day behavior is influenced by what feels good in the moment, what others are doing around us, and the habits we have formed. Our habits are made by strong neural connections in our brains from one thought to the next. The stronger the neural links, the more automatic the behavior.
With regard to fatty foods, though, there is even more to it than bad habits. Recent research has found that our body has fat receptors that respond to how much fat we take in. Once our body gets used to having a certain level of fat, reducing the fat intake causes the body to crave more fat.
To illustrate how difficult it is for children to resist sugary snacks and soft drinks, one university nutrition researcher showed a photo of children sitting in a snack room at a table surrounded by huge vending machines filled with soft drinks and junk foods.
Let’s enter the subconscious mind of Little Johnny, age 10, sitting around a table with his friends in the school’s snack room layered by vending machines along the walls. Using, the MINDSCAPE acronym, what influences Johnny’s decision to either buy soda and candy from the vending machines or to eat the homemade muffin and orange juice his mother packed for him in his lunchbox?
Most people I know highly value their right to choose. Yet MINDSCAPE reminds us that as human beings, we are prone to mindless behavior — to take the path of least resistance. As a friend of mine likes to say, the advertising industry is betting trillions of dollars that we make choices based on environmental influences whether we believe it’s true or not.
It’s hard to override our subconscious mind if we are unaware of what influences our behavior. When we become aware, we are prepared to lead consciously — to intentionally choose among alternatives so that the choices really are our own.
Even if Johnny’s school enacts bans on soft drinks and soda within school boundaries, he and his parents still have the responsibility to make sure that he chooses his foods wisely. Yet to break mindless habits, it helps to set up the environment so that desired behavior may occur with less effort.
If anyone offers an example, we can analyze it through the MINDSCAPE lens.
Jennifer Joyce, co-founder of LeadershipSmarts, is this week’s guest blogger.
———————————————————————————————————
Coaching is often a pivotal step in a person’s career. It represents a large investment of time, money, and personal work. So how does one get the most out of such an important venture?
During my 15 years as a coach, I have found three keys to creating a successful engagement:
A clearly articulated over-arching coaching goal is often referred to as “the big A agenda.” It is usually a longer term goal such as learning how to improve business results or improving one’s ability to manage a team or creating a successful relationship with the boss. Once we know our goal we can define what success will look like. Knowing our goal and our success measures will keep the coaching sessions on a steady track.
For example, my client Susan is a smart young project manager in the high-tech industry. She has a natural ability to see the interlocking pieces of a complex project.
Nonetheless, she felt that her colleagues did not listen to her when she pointed out barriers to the success of projects they worked on. As a result, critical project issues did not get addressed until much later. The delay caused financial hardship to the company and its clients. They ended up with unnecessary project setbacks and increased budgets.
Susan established her “big A agenda” as “gaining the confidence to effectively stand her ground and make sure she is heard when bringing up important project issues.” She set up two success measures:
As you can imagine, her coaching goal would not be achieved overnight.
Once the long-term coaching goal is established, the direction for coaching is set. Now we can work with our coach to figure out the particulars of what has kept us from that goal in the first place. If we discuss the goal in a general fashion, we won’t get traction on figuring out why the same problem keeps popping up.
Susan can’t lament only about how others don’t listen to her. She must figure out what happens that causes others not to hear her. Only by exploring specific examples of when our particular problem manifests will we gain understanding about how that dynamic works.
These specific examples are called “little a agendas.” They give us a picture of all the microcosms of our lives that add up to keep us from our “big A agenda.” By exploring the “little a agendas” we begin to identify the patterns of behavior that are getting us what we don’t want. More importantly, they give us the opportunity to explore the patterns of thinking and assumptions that drive our behaviors.
The issues we bring to our coaching sessions are historically intractable so there is something deeper to uncover than just a change of behavior. After all, if it were an easy thing to change, we would have already changed it. We can’t see the origin of the issue because the assumptions that drive our behaviors are so automatic we can’t see them. Yet those assumptions are directing our lives.
The bottom line is not to change only our behaviors. The real work is to uncover and challenge those automatic assumptions that are driving our behaviors.
Let’s go back to Susan’s issue – not being heard on important matters. What was it about Susan’s behavior that continually led to the problem with her colleagues not listening to her concerns? As we explored one specific example (little a agenda) when Susan did not get her point across, we recognized that she expressed her concerns in a general and deflected manner.
We worked to uncover the thoughts she had just before speaking up, which Susan identified as a fear of speaking her mind. She had an automatic assumption that said if she spoke up, people would get angry and yell at her. She knew how important expressing her opinion was but when she did, her point was so watered down that nobody got it.
By role-playing the scenario, Susan was able to test her assumption that speaking up would cause problems in her organization. She began taking baby steps to more clearly state her concerns with her colleagues and achieved good results. In that way she began to shift her internal assumption about the danger of speaking her truth. As her ability to clearly state her opinion improved, so did her project results.
This article focuses only on the work of the client, not on the people or the situation surrounding the client, because coaching is always about helping us find our power to create the results we want in life. If we think that power lies outside ourselves, with other people or situations, then there is nothing we can do.
As we learn in Matt’s story in Chapter 1 of Reframing Change, once we learn to “consciously use ourselves to bring about change,” we no longer “feel powerless to make a difference.” By exploring our internal thought process that leads to our behaviors that lead to our results, we find the root of our power to change our circumstances.
Susan came to coaching ready and willing to look at what was happening within her. She was willing to explore the possibility that it was her behavior that led to the results she didn’t want. As she surfaced and challenged the assumptions she was making about speaking up, she calmed the fear that kept her communication ineffective. She is now listed as an important high-potential employee whom her colleagues value.
————————————————————————————————————————
Jennifer Joyce, cofounder of LeadershipSmarts.com, is a leadership development consultant and coach. She specializes in diversity, continuous quality improvement, team effectiveness, change leadership, strategic planning, meeting design and facilitation, leadership development, and executive coaching. For more information, see www.leadershipsmarts.com
Sunday, May 1, 2011 was National Lemonade Day, an event designed to teach entrepreneurial skills to children. A few weeks before, Morgan, age 6, wrote us as her grandparents to ask us to invest $12.00 in her lemonade business. With the aid of her father, she was going to set up a lemonade stand and sell lemonade on that date.
Her grandfather sent the check immediately.
A couple of weeks before the big day, we drove to her home and Morgan showed us the colored step-by-step workbook that the local entrepreneurial association had put together to guide participants through the business of selling lemonade. It was impressive: it included a week by week plan, a resource list, and a budget outline with places for the kids to fill in their own information — and, of course, color the illustrations.
A week later, Morgan participated in her city’s best tasting lemonade contest, demonstrating her mango lemonade recipe. According to her mother, “she stood behind her table for 1 hour and answered questions from several judges. It was an awesome sight to see. Apparently, she had the 4th highest score.”
Then came Lemonade Day itself. Her father had received special permission for her to sell her lemonade in a local park, so her grandfather and I drove up the day before to help set up. The event itself was fun. We all baked in the sun while the young entrepreneur sold her wares, collected her money, and thanked her customers. She made a respectable amount in the four or so hours we were there and came home happy and tired.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. We had visited the family for our grandson’s (Morgan’s brother) birthday and were getting ready to return home to Houston when her parents announced that Morgan was going to repay us, her investors, the $12 plus interest.
My body froze. I couldn’t even tell you how much money I have spent on my grandchildren over the last six years. Repay us $12.00???
I pulled her father aside, “Is it really important to you that she repay us the $12.00?” I asked, knowing his answer.
“Definitely yes,” he responded.
I relayed his answer to her grandfather so he would be prepared. Taking $12.00 plus interest from a six-year-old was going to be harder than I had anticipated.
Her father, mother, and Morgan were in the kitchen. Her grandfather and I stayed in the dining room, within earshot but out of eye range. I heard her father remind Morgan that she had borrowed the money from us as her investors and explain it was now time to repay us. I listened as he counted out the money with her, “1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12. That’s $12.00. Now add $2.00 for interest and that’s $14.00.”
“But Daddy, why do I have to give them some of the money that I made?”
My eyes filled with tears.
Hurdle 1: Staying in integrity often has costs that we aren’t prepared to pay.
Her father patiently explained everything again. She had borrowed the money to set up her very successful lemonade stand and it was now time to repay us. She had promised to repay us and it was time to live up to her promise.
She asked more questions which I couldn’t hear—I was so nervous I started blanking out. Then I heard him patiently explain, “This is a twenty-dollar bill. You will keep these. It’s the same as twenty of these one dollar bills. Now this is a five dollar bill. You will keep this also. This is five of these one dollar bills. You are giving them 14 one-dollar bills but you are keeping these twenty dollar bills, this five dollar bill, and all of these one dollar bills. You have all this left.”
Suddenly I understood. To someone fresh out of kindergarten, fourteen one dollar bills looked like a lot more money than two or three twenty dollar bills, a five dollar bill, and some singles.
Hurdle 2: Sometimes the senses can deceive. Staying in integrity may feel like we are giving up more than we really are.
Perhaps, one should start with “integrity”.
After more discussion, she was ready. They called us into the kitchen and there was Morgan standing erect beside her father with a proud and shy smile. She started to hand over the money, then suddenly stopped and ran into the pantry, pulling out a small, transparent zip lock bag. Placing the money in it, she said, “Here. Now you can still see it,” and handed it over to her grandfather.
With further prompting from her father, she graciously added, “Thank you for investing in my business.”
I was amazed at the transformation. The little girl I had been playing with all weekend was now a poised, courageous young lady who was proud of her accomplishment and bathing in the deep respect of her parents and her grandparents. We all stood around for a few minutes just beaming at her and each other.
What led to her transformation? She and her father engaged in a textbook example of how to build more effective, mutually beneficial relationships (Reframing Change, Chapter 4). I wish I could have videotaped their interaction.
She had complete trust in her father and he had worked her through the integrity process using the skills of listening, openness, and inquiry. She had had a lot of questions, but because of the quality of his mentorship, she never doubted his positive intentions nor his wisdom. Whether she could articulate it or not, she knew that repaying us was part of her personal growth and betterment, and so she went with that and we reciprocated with a ton of appreciation and supportive feedback on her performance.
Her reward: a stronger sense of self – and her profits on the lemonade project.
The lesson: When we finally do act with integrity, we may gain more than we give.
Update, April 19, 2011
Lemonade Day keeps on giving. See Morgan’s Lemonade Project, Year Two: Self-Regulation as a successful character trait
Sunday, May 1, 2011 was National Lemonade Day, an event designed to teach entrepreneurial skills to children. A few weeks before, Morgan , age 6, wrote us as her grandparents to ask us to invest $12.00 in her lemonade business. With the aid of her father, she was going to set up a lemonade stand and sell lemonade on that date.
Her grandfather sent the check immediately.
A couple of weeks before the big day, we drove to her home and Morgan showed us the colored step-by-step workbook that the local entrepreneurial association had put together to guide participants through the business of selling lemonade. It was impressive: it included a week by week plan, a resource list, and a budget outline with places for the kids to fill in their own information — and, of course, color the illustrations.
A week later, Morgan participated in her city’s best tasting lemonade contest, demonstrating her mango lemonade recipe. According to her mother, “she stood behind her table for 1 hour and answered questions from several judges. It was an awesome sight to see. Apparently, she had the 4th highest score.”
Then came Lemonade Day itself. Her father had received special permission for her to sell her lemonade in a local park, so her grandfather and I drove up the day before to help set up. The event itself was fun. We all baked in the sun while the young entrepreneur sold her wares, collected her money, and thanked her customers. She made a respectable amount in the four or so hours we were there and came home happy and tired.
Fast forward to a few weekends ago. We had visited the family for our grandson’s (Morgan’s brother) birthday and were getting ready to return home to Houston when her parents announced that Morgan was going to repay us, her investors, the $12 plus interest.
My body froze. I couldn’t even tell you how much money I have spent on my grandchildren over the last six years. Repay us $12.00???
I pulled her father aside, “Is it really important to you that she repay us the $12.00?” I asked, knowing his answer.
“Definitely yes,” he responded.
I relayed his answer to her grandfather so he would be prepared. Taking $12.00 plus interest from a six-year-old was going to be harder than I had anticipated.
Her father, mother, and Morgan were in the kitchen. Her grandfather and I stayed in the dining room, within earshot but out of eye range. I heard her father remind Morgan that she had borrowed the money from us as her investors and explain it was now time to repay us. I listened as he counted out the money with her, “1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12. That’s $12.00. Now add $2.00 for interest and that’s $14.00.”
“But Daddy, why do I have to give them some of the money that I made?”
My eyes filled with tears.
Hurdle 1: Staying in integrity often has costs that we aren’t prepared to pay.
Her father patiently explained everything again. She had borrowed the money to set up her very successful lemonade stand and it was now time to repay us. She had promised to repay us and it was time to live up to her promise.
She asked more questions which I couldn’t hear—I was so nervous I started blanking out. Then I heard him patiently explain, “This is a twenty-dollar bill. You will keep these. It’s the same as twenty of these one dollar bills. Now this is a five dollar bill. You will keep this also. This is five of these one dollar bills. You are giving them 14 one-dollar bills but you are keeping these twenty dollar bills, this five dollar bill, and all of these one dollar bills. You have all this left.”
Suddenly I understood. To someone fresh out of kindergarten, fourteen one dollar bills looked like a lot more money than two or three twenty dollar bills, a five dollar bill, and some singles.
Hurdle 2: Sometimes the senses can deceive. Staying in integrity may feel like we are giving up more than we really are.
After more discussion, she was ready. They called us into the kitchen and there was Morgan standing erect beside her father with a proud and shy smile. She started to hand over the money, then suddenly stopped and ran into the pantry, pulling out a small, transparent zip lock bag. Placing the money in it, she said, “Here. Now you can still see it,” and handed it over to her grandfather.
With further prompting from her father, she graciously added, “Thank you for investing in my business.”
I was amazed at the transformation. The little girl I had been playing with all weekend was now a poised, courageous young lady who was proud of her accomplishment and bathing in the deep respect of her parents and her grandparents. We all stood around for a few minutes just beaming at her and each other.
What led to her transformation? She and her father engaged in a textbook example of how to build more effective, mutually beneficial relationships (Reframing Change, Chapter 4). I wish I could have videotaped their interaction. She had complete trust in her father and he had worked her through the integrity process using the skills of listening, openness, and inquiry. She had had a lot of questions, but because of the quality of his mentorship, she never doubted his positive intentions nor his wisdom. Whether she could articulate it or not, she knew that repaying us was part of her personal growth and betterment, and so she went with that and we reciprocated with a ton of appreciation and supportive feedback on her performance.
Her reward: a stronger sense of self – and her profits on the lemonade project.
The lesson: When we finally do act with integrity, we may gain more than we give.
While our personal troubles may feel very private to us, they may indeed reflect public issues for society as a whole. Read the rest of this entry
Preface: Workplace Undercover is a regular feature of this blog. The scenario below was written by Eillen Bui, our research associate. Responding to this scenario is Stephanie Foy, Project Manager for Leading Consciously and Principal of Foy and Associates.
To quickly review Part A : Jeff, a manager, was hard time discussing Kathy’s performance with her during her annual review. So far, Stephanie has made two recommendations: encourage everyone to take a deep breath to diffuse anxiety and increase openness and receptivity, and assume a strength-focused approach, identifying what you appreciate and agree with.
Let’s continue with Stephanie’s recommendations on what Jeff might do next: Read the rest of this entry
Preface: Workplace Undercover is a regular feature of this blog. The scenario below was written by Eillen Bui, our research associate. Responding to this scenario is Stephanie Foy, Project Manager for Leading Consciously and Principal of Foy and Associates.
________________________________________________________
The scenario: Kathy was running a little late for her first annual review. She hurriedly pushed the door open to the meeting room and smiled apologetically to her manager.
“Sorry I’m late. I was helping a customer pick out a winter jacket.”
Although somewhat annoyed, Jeff spoke up and repeated the company’s mantra, “Customers always come first.”
Jeff cleared his throat and started off, “This is your first review. I’d like to hear from you: what do you think some of your strengths and weaknesses are and have you overcome any of those weaknesses?”
“If you look at my sales record, you will see that I am one of the salespersons with the highest number in sales. I also believe I’m great with communicating and helping people, so customers absolutely love me. I’m confident that I have the lead in customer satisfaction as well. Whenever I am not helping a customer, I’m always busy putting away the clothes customers have tried on,” Kathy replied.
Jeff looked at Kathy expectantly and when she didn’t say anything further, he asked, “Do you believe you have any weaknesses?”
“No,” Kathy quickly said. “I don’t believe I have any.”
“Well, I have looked at your sales for the whole year and it seems that you missed your sales quota quite a few times. And—”, Jeff continued. Kathy interjected, “I might not have met my quota a few months, but I more than made up for it in other months. Not every salesperson is going to have great sales every month. If you look at my total overall sales, I believe I’m one of the best salespersons at this company.”
“Kathy,” Jeff said calmly, “I have looked at your sales record and you are the one with the lowest sales. You also have a lot of customer complaints these past few months. It seems as though—”.
“But that’s impossible!” Kathy said in a high, screechy voice. “All the customers I have helped say I am very friendly and very helpful. I don’t understand why I would have any complaints. And I don’t believe I have the worst sales record. Janine is a much worse salesperson than I am and she’s been working here for almost three years. I hardly ever see her talking to a customer.”
Jeff took a deep breath. “Kathy, I was trying to explain to you what the customers said they loved about you. They did comment that you are always ready with a smile and very helpful. But you don’t listen to what they want. For example, if they asked you to help them find black slacks and a blouse for a cocktail party, you would come back with a red dress. Can you please explain why you would disregard customers’ requests?”
“Because I know what would look good on them and flatter their body type,” Kathy responded.
“Do you understand what the customers’ complaints are actually about? Do you think not heeding customers’ desires might be the cause for your low sales performance?” Jeff asked.
<><><><><><><><><><><><>
Do you believe that Kathy felt attacked by Jeff? Was she already on the defensive as soon as she walked into the performance review? Do you think that Jeff powerfully utilized his listening skills and showed openness towards Kathy? How could Jeff have relayed his corrective feedback to Kathy more effectively?
When was a time when you gave or received corrective feedback and it worked for you? How did you feel at the time? What made it work?
___________________________________________________
Today’s Response by Stephanie Foy of Leading Consciously. This is an unfortunate situation that happens all too often. Prior to the annual review, staff members may have gotten little if any feedback. Then, when the stakes are high, and people are naturally more anxious, they hear negative feedback for the first time. Such seemed to be the case with Kathy.It was evident that Jeff was caring and doing all he knew to do to get Kathy to hear his feedback. Let’s consider some approaches that would have made this go smoother.
1. Encourage everyone to take a deep breath.
When Kathy arrives late, it is clear she feels a bit uncertain and possibly defensive. Jeff does a good job of giving her positive reinforcement by telling her that customers had commented on her smile and helpfulness.
He could have also given her reassurance and said “Have a seat and take a deep breath, we may be starting a bit late, but we can manage the time”. The suggestion to breathe is helpful in any stressful situation. It calms us, slows the heart rate, and brings more oxygen to the brain which helps us think more clearly.
After the verbal suggestion, Jeff could model the actual behavior by intentionally taking a couple of deep breaths himself. This start would create a more receptive space for both of them for the conversation that was about to take place.
Intentionally taking deep breaths, the kind others hear, will give a subconscious message and most people will automatically begin to take a deep breath themselves. This is a tool that anyone can employ in any situation to help decrease stress and anxiety and increase openness and receptivity.
2. Focus on strengths
To begin the review, Jeff asked Kathy to talk about her strengths and her weaknesses and what she did to overcome them. Although he said “strengths,” in similar situations, especially when feeling a bit uncertain anyway as Kathy must have, many people’s minds will jump to the weaknesses. They begin to wonder, “Oh my, I wonder what they are going to tell me?” and to go into a defensive mode. This is what Kathy did.
Alternatively, Jeff might have been more strength-focused as discussed in Chapter 4 of Reframing Change. He could have told Kathy that the intention of the review was to help her be as successful as she could be at Company XYZ. This conveys a future-orientation and that he has positive expectations for her employment.
By saying “Let’s start with your strengths,” Jeff could have given her feedback about a couple of her strongest behaviors that he had in fact noticed and appreciated.
He could have said, “Kathy, I want to start by saying I have noticed that you are very dependable—you are always on time and ready for work. It is so important that we are ready to greet our customers when we first open and your dependability is something we count on.”
Jeff could then follow up by asking, “Now, Kathy tell me some of what you think your strengths are.”
Given the strength–based tone of the conversation, Kathy will feel less defensive and less need to overinflate her strengths. While she may not still have a realistic picture of her performance, she is more likely to be honest and receptive.
As she talks about her strengths, Jeff should give verbal and nonverbal agreement for those that he concurs with, saying “I agree” and nodding his head. When he disagreed, he could still demonstrate openness and inquiry and say something like, “I see that a little differently, but I can see why you might think that. Let’s discuss this more as we move along”.
Once Kathy has shared her strengths and believes she has been heard as evidenced by his responses, she will be in a better place to hear his corrective feedback on her performance.
To be continued in Part B
________________________________________________
Stephanie Foy is Principal of Foy & Associates and a consultant and coach, specializing in enhancing personal and organizational performance, growth and wellbeing. Stephanie is also the Project Manager for Leading Consciously.
