How to achieve your goals despite yourself
What keeps us from being the positive change we want to see? If you’re like me, here’s what happens. I start out full of resolve and commitment to actually accomplish things that I really want to do, but just can’t get up the gumption to do them: go to the health club, eat more vegetables, work on a proposal, or make that dreaded phone call.
Or, I might do things that I know aren’t good for me: eating high fat foods or too many sweets, procrastinating on things that would take me only a few minutes if I would just do them, or saying things that I know are inappropriate.
Either way, I find myself doing what I’ve decided not to do or I stop myself from doing what I really want to do. What causes these internal conflicts?
How to stop yourself from doing what you don’t want to do. The Dalai Lama distinguishes between the twin desires for momentary pleasure and long-term happiness. That Chocolate Decadent cake sits in the see-through bakery window taunting me with the promise of momentary pleasure even though my goal is to stay away from high fat foods for my long-term well-being and happiness.
How might I resist the momentary pleasure promised to me by that tempting cake? To begin with, craving researchers say that we should make a list of places and activities that cue our unwanted desires. If I have heeded their advice, then I would already know ahead of time that temptation would be waiting for me when I showed up at the restaurant. But what if I just arrived at the restaurant on automatic pilot and was suddenly confronted by that cake?
Here’s where clearing emotions (Reframing Change, Chapter 3) comes in handy. The emotion I want to clear is the raw impulse to devour that cake. The basic steps in emotional clearing are feel it, intensify it, and release it.
So I stand there in front of the window, eyeball to eyeball with that seductive cake, and I allow myself to fully embrace my desire for it. As the craving intensifies, the impulse to just go ahead and savor it to end my misery becomes almost unbearable. Then slowly but surely, the desire subsides. The cake stays in the cabinet and I walk away.
Many people don’t believe that desire can subside if you intensify it, but it can and does unless there is a physiological addiction. The body cannot hold an intense desire forever.
How to motivate yourself to do what you want to do even though it seems easier to not do it. Picture another scenario: I come home, fatigued after an engrossing day’s work, and the last thing I want to do is to turn around and go back out to the health club. A pep talk with myself about the value of exercise does zilch. Here again, clearing my negative emotions often works. The negative emotion I clear is resistance to change — leaving the comfort of my home to go to the health club. I feel and then intensify the feelings of resistance, mustering up as much indignation and anger about the whole sorry situation as I can. I may make it into a real production — a grand pity party. After a while, the pity party begins to subside and I develop sufficient willpower to take action.
But sometimes, I just don’t feel like going through that. What then? Rhonda Britten, a motivational speaker, explains that motivation and inspiration can come after the doing. The doing comes first and then you get inspired and motivated. Don’t wait until you feel the motivation. Do it and then let the motivation kick in.
So I pull myself together, put on my workout clothes, and just go to the club, promising myself that if after 15 minutes, I don’t want to stay, I will leave. More often than not, ten minutes into my workout, the endorphins kick in, I start extolling the virtues of self-care to myself, and I find it relatively easy to finish.
So how do you achieve your goals despite yourself? Here’s my formula:
- When I want to stop myself from doing what I know in my heart I don’t really want to do, I can prepare myself ahead of time by identifying what might cue my desire.
- Then, in the moment of temptation, I can clear my negative emotions.
- When I find myself resisting doing what would be in my best interests over the long haul, I can clear my resistance.
- Or, I might just go ahead and get started doing it, letting the momentum of the action build the desire to keep going.
Jean
Jean Latting
www.leadingconsciously.com
jeanlatting@leadingconsciously.com
© Jean Latting, 2010
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Tagged with: automatic pilot • clearing emotions • negative emotions • positive change • resistance to change • self care
Filed under: achieving your goals • clearing emotions • conscious use of self • making positive changes
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Note: When the blog was moved from Quick Blogcast to WordPress, somehow the comments were omitted. I’m inserting them here today (7/22/2010) along with the dates and authors.
Carole Marmell wrote on 6/3/2010:
I do know there isn’t a lot of difference between personal motivation and workplace motivation. However, I don’t want this blog to be completely self-help in tone. The only person we can hope to change is ourselves, but we still need techniques for dealing with workplace barrier to success.
Of course, most of the time you turn out to be right. Let’s see how this goes.
Jean Latting replied on 6/5/2010:
Thanks, Carole, for your suggestion about providing techniques for dealing with workplace barriers. Right now, I’m writing about things that occur to me. If you (or anyone) has a specific situation in mind, please let me know via e-mail or you can put describe it here: http://www.leadingconsciously.com/Share_Your_Story_LS6Y.html
Aleksandra wrote on 6/6/2010:
Jean, I love your article. I find very interesting that desire can subside if you intensify it. I’m looking forward to experiment with it.
Jean L responded on 6/6/2010:
Aleksandra, please let me know how experimenting with this works for you. If it does work, I want to know what you did to make it work — and I think others will be interested as well. If it doesn’t work, please let me know that as well so that I may make suggestions.
Stephanie wrote on 6/9/2010
Carole, you are correct that all change starts with self and we have to have tools and practice on ourselves. IF we apply these tools to ourselves, especially if we can do so in a transparent way (in the right circumstances) our co-workers can learn through our modeling. Additionally, we can use these tools to support them to move past their own barriers. Haven’t we all had a staff person that just had the hardest time getting something done, especially something they really did not want to do in the first place? As their supervisor, could we not support them by walking them through a process of clearing their negative emotion and/or resistance? I believe it we do this enough, soon they will be able to do it for themselves and that will ultimately make them more effective and successful
Jean L wrote on 6/10/2010
Here’s more about why we are tempted to do things we don’t want to do, or don’t do things we think we should: http://www.fastcompany.com/video/why-change-is-so-hard-self-control-is-exhaustible
Andrew wrote on 6/5/2010
Awesome blog. I enjoyed reading your articles. This is truly a great read for me. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to reading new articles. Keep up the good work!
You are a delight and a pleasure, Jean. I bless whatever angel motivated me to click that original link, as well as the one that motivated me to sign on to your RSS feed, despite my fears that I would surely drown if I increased the e-glut river by so much as one more email!
My only regret is that I don’t have more time I can dedicate to reading your words and responding to your posts.
Thank you SO much for the work you have most assuredly done with and on yourself to get to this place, and GOD BLESS YOU for taking the time to share your wisdom with the rest of us. You spark my creative juices more than any other blog I am following these days.
Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, SCAC, MCC – (blogging at ADDandSoMuchMore and ADDerWorld – dot com!)