Do you struggle with asking for help? I do, especially when it's a favor. If I'm paying, no problem - it's a clear transaction. But with friends or acquaintances, I hesitate.
Benjamin Franklin famously said, "If you want to make a friend, ask them for help." I know this, yet I drag my feet.
When marketing our book Conscious Change, we planned to ask friends and colleagues to join our Launch Team. They'd receive a PDF, write a review on Amazon or Goodreads, and get a complimentary paperback. Simple, right?
But when it came time to ask, I hemmed and hawed. I approached only 10-15 people. Surprisingly, NO ONE turned me down. Some even said they'd be honored.
Why is it So Hard to Ask for Help?
So, what was going on? Researchers have identified several reasons why people find it difficult to ask for help. Here's how I stack up:
- Pride and self-sufficiency: Many feel they should handle everything alone.
- This wasn't my issue. I know I need help; it's the asking that stumps me.
- Comparison and perfectionism: People often feel inadequate when others seem to manage without help.
- Not me. I know networking is key to success.
- Social norms and cultural expectations: In many cultures, asking for help is seen as weakness.
- This resonates. I realized that an old childhood injunction about not becoming indebted to others was influencing me.
- Fear of burdening others: People worry about inconveniencing others.
- I didn't want to put anyone out for "little ol’ me."
- Fear of rejection: Anxiety about being turned down can hinder asking.
- Another hit. Despite no one refusing, I feared people would agree out of politeness and feel annoyed.
My Core Issue
So, what's the core issue? Fears of burdening others and of rejection - both stemming from not wanting to put people out. But here’s the thing: most people genuinely enjoy helping others. It makes them feel valued and connected.
What Leading Consciously Skill Could Help Me?
It's not too late. I can still ask for book reviews. The question is: Will this realization free me up to actually do it?
Just now I decided to seek reinforcement from the Leading Consciously skill set. I looked through all 36 skills and my body froze when I came to this one under the principle of Conscious Use of Self:
Build Resilience Through Self-Affirmation
I have written about the power of self-affirmation.
In that post, I defined self-affirmation as:
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[T]he process of reinforcing our values and strengths to protect our sense of worth in the face of challenges or threats. It is a way of reaffirming our core beliefs about ourselves, even when we are faced with negative feedback or experiences. |
Self-affirmation works by helping us to “focus on our values and strengths, which in turn can help us to regulate our emotions and to make better decisions.”
Back to my freezing when I saw “build resilience through self-affirmation.” Why did I freeze? You know the feeling – it’s almost like getting caught.
All this time I thought I could get away with vague, semi-conscious thoughts like this: “It’s too hard, I’m not the type who goes around asking people to put themselves out for me.”
And now here is the antidote. If I amplified the strength and value of the book and affirmed my worthiness in promoting it, I would no longer have a plausible excuse to avoid seeking out book reviews—even to myself.
So now that I have what I know will work to get me over this hump – and in my own writings no less – I’m left with no excuses.
Now What?
Check my next post to see if I overcome my reluctance and reach out for help. After all, as Mr. Franklin suggested, asking for help might just be the key to strengthening friendships and achieving our goals. And self-affirmation in the face of a challenge is the road to get there.
Meanwhile… There’s no time like now to begin
I’m beginning right here, right now, stretching my wings by making the request.
Will you help expand the message of the book by writing a book review? If so, please sign up to be a part of our Launch Team.
After you receive the pdf and write your review, go back to the same link and tell us where to find your review.
If you have already bought Conscious Change and are willing to write a review, thank you! We’ll still send you a book to share with a friend. Just let us know you did it as a result of reading this newsletter. All you have to do is hit reply to this email and put in the subject line, “I reviewed on [book website].”
References:
Kroeker, Marcie (2019). Why We Don't Ask for Help (and why that's a problem)
Therapy2Change. Asking for Help: Why You Don’t & Why You Should.
