This week, I want to share a story that might resonate with you. Toni couldn't understand why everyone seemed so on edge lately. Team members had started snapping at one another. During a meeting, one person even remarked that nothing anyone did was appreciated.

Toni's instinct was to say she appreciated her team, but, if she was honest with herself, had she expressed that often enough? Was the comment made because she had been so busy that she hadn’t verbally acknowledged their hard work?

 

Does Toni’s Situation Sound Familiar?

Do members of your team feel overworked and underappreciated? If so, one possibility is that your work culture lacks enough positive responses to “bids for connection.” Teams that recognize and respond favorably to each other's bids for connection often feel supported, which motivates them to go above and beyond.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned marriage researcher, discovered over 40 years ago how crucial it is for healthy relationships to recognize each other’s “bids for connection.” One key aspect of his research was how couples managed these bids, which he calls "the fundamental unit of emotional communication." Bids are small attempts people make to connect with others, such as asking a question, making a comment, or seeking attention.

Three Types of Bids

Gottman identified three types of responses to these bids:

1. Turning towards: Acknowledging and engaging with the bid.
2. Turning away: Ignoring or missing the bid.
3. Turning against: Responding negatively to the bid.

He found that in successful relationships, partners turn towards each other's bids 86% of the time, compared to only 33% in struggling relationships. The accumulation of these small, positive interactions builds trust, emotional connection, and intimacy. 

 

Recognizing Bids in the Workplace

While Gottman's work primarily focuses on romantic relationships, leaders can apply these principles in the workplace. Recognizing and responding to subtle bids can significantly improve colleague relationships, manager-team member dynamics, and overall work performance.

Here are examples of subtle bids for connection in the workplace:

Bids by Colleagues: A co-worker mentions their weekend plans casually; this could be a bid for personal connection beyond work topics. A team member makes a joke during a stressful project; this might be an attempt to lighten the mood or seek emotional support. A colleague brings up a shared interest or experience; they could be trying to establish a deeper personal connection.

Bids by Managers to Team Members: A manager casually asks about a team member's current project; this might be a bid for engagement and an opportunity to offer support. A supervisor suggests a quick chat over coffee; this could be an attempt to build a more personal connection or discuss something informally. A manager shares a brief personal anecdote; this might be an effort to relate on a human level and invite reciprocal sharing.

Bids by Team Members to Managers: A team member lingers after a meeting; they may be seeking one-on-one interaction or have an unspoken concern. A team member sighs audibly while working; this might be a subtle request for support or acknowledgment of their workload. A team member asks for the manager's opinion on a trivial work matter; they could be seeking validation or connection rather than just information. A staff member mentions a challenge they're facing at home; they might be indirectly asking for understanding or flexibility.

How Managers Might Respond

Now let’s put this into action. How might a manager respond to these subtle bids for connection? Ideally, the manager would recognize the bid and respond positively, increasing the team member’s feelings of being supported and valued.

However, too often team members may feel shy or self-conscious about even making the bid, so it may be too subtle for the manager to even realize what was going on. The result: hurt feelings, increased distrust, and a blow to psychological safety.

Here are three common examples from my experience:

A team member mentions a challenge they're facing at home: Instead of the manager doing this:  Shows concern: "I'm sorry to hear that. How can I support you?" (Turns Toward) They do this: Changes the subject back to work matters. (Turns away), or Replies: "I don’t like to discuss personal issues at work." (Turns against)

A team member shares a small personal achievement: Instead of the manager doing this: Congratulates them: "That's great! Tell me more about it."(Turns toward) They do this: Nods without comment and continues working. (Turns away), or Dismissively says: "That’s not relevant now. Let’s get back to the topic at hand. " (Turns against)

A team member proposes a new idea in casual conversation: Instead of the manager saying this: "That's interesting! Let's schedule time to explore it further." (Turns Toward) They do this: Nods without engaging and changes the subject. (Turns away), or "[In a critical tone of voice] 'That would never work. We tried it already. You have enough to do to keep up with your current tasks." (Turns against)

How to Recoup If You Miss a Bid

The challenge lies in that bids for connection can easily be missed in the average fast-paced, stress-filled workplace.

Plus, when someone attempts to reach out, they often feel self-conscious, which can lead to their bids being easily overlooked.

Bids don't always come when we expect them; they emerge when a person finds the courage and confidence to express themselves.

Think back to the last time you felt disconnected from someone and wanted to reach out. Do you remember that awkward feeling and the concern about being rejected? 

Remember Toni whom I described in the opening.  Let’s make Toni the leader in the third example where a team member mentions a new idea in casual conversation. As busy and preoccupied as Toni is, she could easily be that manager. 

Suppose she was in “work mode” when the team member casually dropped the idea, and vaguely thought the idea be promising but said nothing.  Later she realizes that she missed an opportunity for engagement.  Instead of turning toward, she had turned away.

In horror, she realizes that she had done a lot of turning away lately, preoccupied with all the pressures on her.  Could this be a contributing factor to the team’s growing snappiness and irritation with one another?

The answer in a nutshell is yes. Teams that don’t affirm each other grow apart. And the leader sets the tone.

Can she fix it? My motto is that it’s seldom too late to go back and correct a mistake. Toni can make a restorative bid toward the team member by taking actions such as these:

1. Acknowledge the mistake: "Upon reflection, I realize you were offering a suggestion in our conversation yesterday. I want you to know I value your ideas and appreciate your thoughts on improving things."
2. Invite further exploration: "Would you be willing to draft a two-page proposal? Just include high-level details about what you’re thinking."
3. Take responsibility: "I wish I had recognized the value of your idea when you first mentioned it."
4. Ask for support in making improvements: "Could you help us both by sending me emails when you want to discuss important ideas? Just float them in writing so we can address them in our next one-on-one."

The last step is particularly important and often overlooked. Toni is clarifying for the team member how they can make their bids more recognizable. She is also acknowledging her vulnerability as a manager in not seeing subtle bids. She knows it’s her job to be responsive, but it’s a two-way interaction. She is asking the team member to be more forthright.

By taking these steps, Toni is making a significant move toward restoring the team’s esprit de corps and positive regard for one another. She models the work climate they all want to create—a setting where everyone commits to recognizing each other’s bids, demonstrates strength through vulnerability, expresses a commitment to improvement, and respects one another’s dignity and contributions.

Thank you for reading! Have a great week ahead! 

Best regards,
Dr. Jean