Studies show the benefits of affirming our value, yet we hesitate to share these affirmations with others.
Two incidents happened to me recently:
I complimented a client in front of his manager. The manager said to me playfully, "Be careful, we can't let him get a swollen head." I immediately jumped in to deliver my standard spiel on the value of self-affirmation, how genuine compliments are rare in this society, and how the research says that most employees feel underappreciated. My client beamed.
Less than a week later, I asked a friend who routinely dismisses any praise she gets to consider practicing self-affirmation. She replied, "I can't affirm myself. That would be boasting."
This leaves me with three questions: Why are we so averse to affirming ourselves? What are the benefits in learning to do so? And how can we learn it?
Part of the answer to the first question lies in the definition of self-affirmation. It is not, despite popular belief, a me-me-me exercise at the expense of others. Effective self-affirmation reminds you that you are capable and worthwhile without implying anything, positive or negative, about anyone else.
Sally Field was widely panned after her heartfelt Oscar acceptance speech in 1985.1 This was her second Oscar, and at the time she said, "I haven't had an orthodox career, and I've wanted more than anything to have your respect. The first time I didn't feel it, but this time I feel it, and I can't deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me!"
Spoofers jumped right on it. Her heartfelt expression of gratitude and self-affirmation was widely mocked as, “You like me. You really, really like me.”
The difference between what she actually said and how she was misquoted helps explain why people have such a hard time with affirming themselves or affirming others. It’s captured by the difference between narcissism and self-esteem.
Scott Barry Kaufman, the human potential psychologist and author, distinguishes the two:
The prototypical grandiose narcissist is characterized by arrogance, superiority, vanity, entitlement, exploitativeness, exhibitionism, and the incessant need for acclaim from others. Those scoring high on measures of self-esteem, however, tend to feel satisfied with themselves but do not necessarily see themselves as superior to others.2
In other words, “you like me, you really like me,” comes across as narcissistic: arrogant, entitled, and needy.
On the other hand, “I haven't had an orthodox career, and I've wanted more than anything to have your respect. The first time I didn't feel it, but this time I feel it” describes a person allowing themself to feel satisfied with their accomplishments based on the validation of others. It does not imply an excessive need for that validation, nor is there any hint of superiority.
In a Washington Post interview, Field clarified her intended meaning. As she explained, “It so wasn’t insecurity…. It was about acceptance. It was about the work.” If she could go back and be “more articulate,” she told the paper, she would have said, “Right now, in this moment in time, I have succeeded in what I have been trying to do. That you think I was excellent.3
What Field endured in the aftermath of that Oscar speech is what most of us would avoid at all costs. We understate our accomplishments. We don’t let others know we relish their praise and recognition for fear of appearing arrogant, entitled, and needy. We don’t admit – even to ourselves – that we are gratified by something we have done.
The problem with that approach is we undercut our own health, mental and physical. If we can allow ourselves to affirm ourselves, we gain the benefits.
This is the process of reinforcing our values and strengths to protect our sense of worth in the face of challenges or threats. It is a way of reaffirming our core beliefs about ourselves, even when we are faced with negative feedback or experiences.
Any of these activities are acts of self-affirmation:
Post-Covid, a wave of articles and studies appeared showing that, as a society, we are more anxious and depressed than ever.4 In the US, the national rate of anxiety tripled from 8.1% to 25.5% between 2019 and 2020, and depression almost quadrupled (from 6.5% to 24.3).
Self-affirmation is a low-cost method for promoting self-worth, resilience, and positive health behaviors. It works through activating three key brain regions: the prefrontal cortex, the cingulate cortex, and the ventral striatum:
In other words, through a regular practice of self-affirmation, we are better able to regulate our emotions, make better decisions, focus on our goals, persevere in the face of challenges, and feel good about ourselves and better motivated to achieve our goals.
Think again about Field, and the numerous awards and accolades she has received. Accomplishing what she did requires emotional regulation, excellent decision making, goal focus, perseverance, and feeling good about herself. Declaring that she allows herself to feel the appreciation of her peers was and still is good for her.
While affirming herself may have been good for Field, the obstacle she faced was a public that eschews vulnerability and confuses self-affirmation with narcissism or neediness.
To avoid this obstacle, I advise my clients to use discernment when deciding who to talk with about their accomplishments. They don’t want to evoke jealousy or the condemnation of others who confuse genuine appreciation of one’s accomplishments with narcissism or feelings of superiority.
Another obstacle is a family or community history where disparaging rather than affirming oneself is viewed as normal. A friend tells of how, as a child, she heard her mother repeatedly say, “I am so stupid” every time she made a mistake.
I don’t think I ever heard the word “stupid” from either of my parents’ mouths, yet I was constantly admonished to never let it appear that I thought I had it better than anyone else. It was a firm principle in our family that we were all equal as human beings, although we might have different gifts.
People who learned early that it was okay to chastise themselves, but not okay to praise themselves, will likely find it hard to engage in self-affirmation. It feels fake, as though it couldn’t possibly be true. The ironic part of this is that self-affirmation is exactly what’s needed in a person who has not learned to acknowledge, much less capitalize on, their gifts. Negative self-talk aggravates depression, anxiety, and feelings of helplessness.
The key is what you choose to affirm yourself about. A ton of research supports affirming your values – those things you believe in that are at the core of who you are. It is likely to be far more effective to say to yourself, “I value taking care of the planet,” than to say, “I’m the smartest person on the planet.”
Stating your values reminds you of what is good and positive about yourself. Asserting something that you don’t believe and is demonstrably false is likely to backfire and may even make you feel worse.
Finally, an important distinction is between self-affirmation – focusing on one’s strengths and values – and “positive affirmation” focusing on a desired future. Self-affirmation is affirming what is; it’s not wishful thinking – or projecting onto a desired future.
“I will take a trip around the world in the next six months” is an example of a positive affirmation. If you say this as a form of self-hypnosis and you really, really want to take that trip, it may help motivate you in that direction. If you are saying it in vague hopes it might help, and you are having trouble paying the rent this month, it could backfire. You might disparage yourself even more when the six months are up and you still can’t get your rent paid on time.
Avoid using self-affirmation as a denial mechanism. It will not automatically make us feel better if we are feeling defensive. If there are underlying issues, find a way to address them. This includes seeing a professional therapist.
If you are feeling stressed or anxious, it can be useful to self-affirm by focusing on your strengths and values. This helps you to feel better about yourself and to cope with the challenge. However, if the self-affirmations do not lift you up and reduce your stress, don’t deceive yourself. The affirmation practice is not giving you the desired results. More is needed.
Interested in trying to develop a regular practice of self-affirmation? Here are few examples of healthy self-affirmations. Note these are strength-focused and have implied values.
If you’re after an app that can whip up a positive affirmation for you, here are some great examples.
I am constantly encouraging my clients, relatives, and friends to develop a daily practice to uplift their spirits and help them stay on an even keel. The research is clear that self-affirmation is a powerful tool that can help us to cope with stress, anxiety, and challenges.
With so much unhappiness, sickness, and despair around me, I can’t imagine trying to live my life without a strong sense and reminders of my values and strengths. This is my wish for you.
If you have questions, reply to this post or email me at JeanLC@LeadingConsciously.com.
People who feel good about themselves are less likely to dump on others and more likely to want to make a positive contribution. Let’s help everyone promote healthy values in themselves and others.
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