First Lady Michelle Obama proclaimed to an adoring crowd, “when they go low, we go high.” Find out way of going high when you want to go low.
At the 2016 Democratic convention, First Lady Michelle Obama proclaimed to an adoring crowd, “when they go low, we go high.” The words were met with rapturous applause.
Yet the quote had its detractors. I have friends among them arguing that to go high means to put one’s head in the sand. To them, going high means letting people get away with underhandedness and brutality. I see it differently. This blog post explains why.
Michelle Obama’s words became a meme virtually overnight and were widely quoted, appearing on T-shirts, buttons, and inspirational quotes.
Four months after Michelle made that famous speech, Donald Trump unexpectedly won the presidency. Stung by their defeat, leaders began calling on the Democratic Party to fight fire with fire.
Hillary Clinton declared:
You cannot be civil with a political party that wants to destroy what you stand for, what you care about...That's why I believe, if we are fortunate enough to win back the House and/or the Senate, that's when civility can start again. But until then, the only thing that the Republicans seem to recognize and respect is strength.1 |
Former Attorney General Eric Holder, a friend and close ally of former President Obama, also took a stand.
When they go low, we kick 'em. That’s what this new Democratic Party is about…. When I say we, you know, ‘We kick ‘em,’ don’t mean we do anything inappropriate. We don’t do anything illegal. But we got to be tough, and we have to fight for the very things that John Lewis, Martin Luther King, Whitney Young – you know, all those folks gave to us. |
Social media joined the discussion. One person posted in @Democrats:
Jenelle Hill, an author with The Atlantic, posted a thoughtful explanation about her concern with going high.
Is it possible to go high and still be active in the cause for social justice, offering more than thoughts and prayers?
We have some wonderful examples of this recently. All over the country people are creatively finding ways to protest such injustices as police brutality, racial injustice, children placed in cages.
One of my favorite examples this year happened after the September 2020 presidential debate when Trump was asked to disavow the Proud Boys, a far right group associated with violence and White supremacy.9 His response included the phrase, “Proud Boys, stand back and stand by.”
In rebuttal, George Takei posted on Twitter a call to LGBTs to take pictures of themselves and post them with the hashtag #proudboys.
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The response was immediate. The LGBT community posted pictures of loving couples.10
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There are many ways to go high and still be in action: Nonviolent protest groups such as Black Lives Matter, racial dialogue groups, teach-ins by faith-based organizations,11 get out the vote groups, and actions to take down Confederate flags and monuments [blog #7].
Groups engaged in feeding the hungry, clothing the poor, housing the homeless, and finding jobs for the jobless are included in this category of nonviolent social justice actions. The hungry, poor, and homeless need at least the basics to advocate for social justice.
None of these tactics appeal to you? Here is a reference for 198 Methods of Nonviolent Actions.12 You will surely be able to find a tactic that you and your group can use.
What if the person offends you or someone else right in front of your eyes? For example, suppose Samantha (whom you don’t particularly like anyway) completely ignores comments made by Lily, the one Asian American female sitting at the table.
Again, the question is, what is your end game? Do you want solely to vent your feelings and make Samantha suffer? Or do you want Samantha to reconsider her actions?
If you want to jump on Samantha without regard to the impact on her, then what I am saying here is not relevant to you.
If your goal is to induce Samantha to rethink her behavior and engage in more inclusive behaviors toward Lily, then read on for suggestions based on the research and my personal experience.
To begin with, going high does not mean ignoring the behavior or sweetening up your objection with unwarranted sugar. I also will not suggest the trope of focusing on the behavior, not the person.
Letting a person know they have engaged in socially unacceptable actions can still provoke the intention to change, provided that you place the situation in a moral context and use a thoughtful, calm tone of voice. This is called “persuasive blaming.”13
In one study, people who were called out for implicit biases – and even blamed for it and told they should feel guilty – were not more resistant to changing their behavior than those who were told they were not blameworthy.13
In the situation involving Samantha, what would it mean to go high when her behavior is so reprehensible to you?
Look at the chart below.
Persuasive blaming | Devaluing blame |
Demeanor | |
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Verbs describing action taken | |
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In a research study, the verbs in the bottom row were assessed by study participants according to their social acceptability to use when someone violates a moral code.14 Those on the left column were assessed as socially acceptable responses while those on the right were not.
What this means is that if you witness someone violating a moral code and inform them by objecting, disapproving, finding fault, reprimanding, or reproaching, others are likely to view you as going high and your change attempt is more likely to be persuasive. On the other hand, if you attack, revile, vilify, berate, or rebuke, you are likely to be seen as “going low” and instead of being motivated to change, the person being berated is likely to resist change.
Let’s play it out. How might you point out Samantha’s behavior:
Devaluing blame (going low)
Persuasive blaming (going high)
In blog #18, Dr. Barbara Love talks about her discovery that even members of the KKK were human beings. Going low with someone who offends you may feel good, but it’s not likely to induce the person to change and move us that inch closer to a world that works for everyone. Dr. Love did not claim that the friendship they developed changed him in some way, yet the possibility exists it did.
Yes, it’s tiring to figure out how to correct someone who is unknowingly saying insulting things. The desire to call out in an insulting fashion rather than call in to community [blog #13] can be overwhelming.
Yet those who have their eyes on the prize and are committed to the inevitability of the quest for racial and social justice have to rethink whether their desire for immediate retribution is worth the price.
To them, Paolo Freire offers this advice:15
The oppressors, who oppress, exploit, and rape by virtue of their power, cannot find in this power the strength to liberate either the oppressed or themselves... It is essential for the oppressed to realize that when they accept the struggle for humanization they also accept, from that moment, their total responsibility for the struggle. |
Those who don’t know, don’t know that they don’t know. If I want to do my part to help create a world that works for everyone, this means that I will choose to be effective rather than right [blog #13]. My hope is that you will too.
Questions to ask yourself
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