Learning emotional intelligence from a four-year-old
Child: You know today you did not make a smart choice and you hurt my feelings by not going outside. So that’s why I didn’t want to make a smart choice. You know I couldn't go outside so I was still a little sad.
Mama: Yeah, but that was a consequence.
Child: But after I was a little sad, I was a little bit upset. More than a little.
The child is 4-year-old Aldie, whose mother, Jonisa Padernos, a registered nurse, posted his conversation with her on TikTok.[1]
Their conversation went viral, showing the remarkable emotional savvy Aldie had learned, as coached by his mother. Their conversation has since been featured on Kelly Clarkson’s show[2] and in several magazines.
While they gained international accolades for emotional intelligence, I could not find an analysis of the remarkable skills Aldie and his mother were demonstrating.
Further, I became intrigued with speculating what would happen if people in workplaces were encouraged to display the same level of emotional self-awareness as Aldie.
I was so intrigued, I had to write it all down, and here is what emerged: reflections on several excerpts from the conversation and speculation on how awesome it could be if translated to the workplace.
Is this really all that important?
Is this really the time to try to learn from a four-year-old and his mother?
Well, actually, I think yes. The pain in my heart from watching today’s world events on news and social media is beyond expression. And there is nothing I can about anything I’m watching.
What I can do is appreciate the growth steps of a young child who is learning how to communicate his feelings with others in his world, and share these with you.
Is TikTok a reliable resource? I don’t know where Padernos learned what she is teaching her son. She is a registered nurse, so it may be part of her training. I do know the principles are scientifically sound and can be applied to the workplace.
The conversation: Learning from a four-year-old
What I have to say may have more impact if you first watch the two-minute video, then read my thoughts.
Aldie: You know today you did not make a smart choice and you hurt my feelings by not going outside. So that’s why I didn’t want to make a smart choice.
This blew me away. Many adults don’t know how to acknowledge that they deliberately reacted in a way counter to what’s best for an important relationship – i.e. they “didn’t make a smart choice” because their feelings were hurt. Aldie is able to own up to his feelings and acknowledge that he had reacted poorly.
What’s even more remarkable is that he felt safe saying this to his mother, the most important authority figure in his life.
Padernos: Yeah, but that was a consequence.
Padernos made no apologies to Aldie for having to endure a “consequence” for his actions. She was unequivocal that his actions led to repercussions.
Too often in the workplace, leaders err on the side of wanting to be liked or to avoid conflict, failing to uphold standards of behavior that will make things better for all.
For his part, Aldie implicitly accepted the consequence as merited. He did not accuse his mother of being unfair.
Aldie: But after I was a little sad, I was a little bit upset. More than a little.
Padernos: More than a little upset?
Aldie: Yeah
Aldie has an emotional vocabulary! Here he is able to differentiate his emotions, the difference between sad and upset. Later in the conversation, they add angry and scared as other emotions he might feel.
Padernos validates Aldie’s feelings, even though his upset had been directed toward her. She doesn’t tell him he was wrong for feeling that way. She simply acknowledges how he feels.
Suppose people in the workplace knew how to validate someone’s feelings without succumbing to the need to fix it or the person?
Aldie: I was wrong. Today I had a hard doing my emotions.
Padernos: Yeah?
Aldie: Yeah, just today.
Padernos: That’s okay because we're learning. You're learning.
My heart melts. Aldie acknowledges he had acted wrongly and knew he should take responsibility for not “doing his emotions.” His mother responded by explaining that he’s learning. No grudges.
I know many people who live in fear of making the tiniest mistake at work or at home for fear they will be overtly or secretly punished in some way.
What would happen if we could admit to one another, especially in the workplace, that some action made us angry, and we all understand this is just a temporary emotion, not a permanent state of being?
Aldie: You know earlier Baby [his sister] drop the plate and Papa got angry with her and I told Papa to stop, breathe slow and make a smart choice for Papa.
Here Aldie describes coaching his father on how to handle his upset emotions.
Suppose people in the workplace were trained on how to coach one another through upset? How many hours would that save of missed productive time?
Imagine team members supporting one another in making the smart choice to calm down, rather than the disruptive choice of fuming and declaring the person had no right to be that upset in the first place.
Aldie: Even though when I was that mad, you still love me so much?
Padernos: Of course. Always
Aldie: Yeah, I love you too.
Now we clearly cannot expect the “always” love of a mother to show up in the workplace as a response to wrongdoing.
In a caring workplace though, people are free to ask and get a truthful answer as to whether -- once they own their malfeasance -- could it be forgiven or made up for, without lingering resentments.
Here are the skills Aldie modelled for us:
Imagine a workplace where these skills are routinely practiced! This is the kind of workplace I dream of. What about you?
[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idfC3cQq6t8
[2] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoOv4ABruoA&t=1s
Dr. Latting has 20+ years of consulting and teaching experience for private and public sector organizations and is an experienced speaker and workshop host. She is available to virtually speak to groups including executives, managers, individual contributors and community leaders to widen their multi-cultural awareness.
