Three times this week, clients reported difficulty with how to surface questions. Either others were afraid to ask them, or they were reluctant to ask others.

One told me her VP had chastised her for not giving her team good and complete information about a major project. This baffled her since she had asked for questions after explaining the scope, and the team claimed to understand what she was saying.

Huh? I said. I wasn’t getting it. So after you explained it and they said they were clear, did anyone ask a follow-up question? Nope, she said. They just talked about it later among themselves and tried to figure it out without coming back to me. And what was the reason they didn’t want to ask you a question? I honestly I don’t know. I really did ask if they had any questions, and no one said anything. You asked if anyone had any questions. No one said anything. And now you’re getting a complaint from your boss that you don’t fully explain yourself? That about sums it up, she replied.

The second example: a client and I are working with another consultant in a specialized field. My client told me the consultant didn’t explain things well, and she always left their sessions confused.

When that happens, do you text or email the consultant for clarification?

Well, no, she responded. I think she should’ve done a better job explaining things the first time.

And here’s the third example. A relative was talking about how her boss offers a lot of information at the team meeting, but no one knows what to do with it.

Do you ask anything about the rationale for giving you that information, I asked? Of course not. If we asked a question like that, the boss would jump all over us. Has that ever happened when someone asked how to interpret the information? Well no, what I’m saying is that she will call us stupid if we don’t understand. But you actually don’t understand the information? Right, that’s how we know she will jump over us if we ask. Do I have this right: the boss gives you information. You don’t know what you’re supposed to do with it. You’re afraid to ask for fear that she will think you are stupid. And you’re mad at her for not explaining well in the first place. Yes, that’s it.

What do all three of these situations have in common? For some reason, people are afraid to ask follow-up questions when they don’t understand. Instead they blame the other person for not explaining completely and thoroughly.

But when someone actually does try to explain with a lot of detail, people will sometimes complain that it was too much information, and they didn’t need all that.

So what’s supposed to happen?

If you are the explainer: The challenge is to figure out how to make it safe for people to ask follow-up questions.

Here’s what I say in those situations, and especially when I want to make sure the other person feels free to ask:

• Is there anything I’m missing in my explanation?
• Do you see it differently?
• What do you think are the pros and cons of what I’m suggesting?
• What does what I’m saying mean to you?

Notice that I’m explicitly inviting contradictory views. And I’m implying it’s to be expected that they will have follow-up questions.

If you are the listener and not in the habit of asking questions, consider developing the practice.  Here’s how:

At the beginning of the explanation, ask if you should wait until they’re finished or ask as they go along. This sets the expectation that questions will be forthcoming.

Next, pick out any sentence that you can understand and ask them to help you get the reasoning behind it. Try something like this, “I’m curious as to whether something happened that led this to be a greater concern than before.”

Then choose a sentence you’re hazy about and offer two or three interpretations. If you just don’t know what’s being said, state what you do understand and ask for clarification for the rest of it.

For example:

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.

You:

I’m curious about the hill. Was that the only place where they could find water?

Was there a reason they went together instead of separately?

They only went with one pail? But there are two of them. Is there a reason for that?

If you think you should understand something completely the first time, consider this belief as probably working against you more than for you. Sad to say, people can often sense if the listener is feigning understanding, but it’s impolite to call them on it. So they think it goes unnoticed.

The other thing that stops people from asking questions is they freeze when they don’t understand.  Their mind goes blank and they start internally criticizing themselves for not getting it right off the bat. They look around and think everyone else understands, so they pretend to understand.

Please don’t do that to yourself. 

To avoid falling into that trap, decide to uplevel your ability to ask good questions. 

If this is a new habit, it needs repetition.

Consider practicing with your friends. Start by asking just one question after they explain something. After they answer, ask them to critique your question so you can learn how to ask good follow-up questions. Keep practicing until asking follow-up questions comes fairly easily to you.

Now, you actually may have a manager or a colleague who takes offense when any question is asked.  They may regard your sincere questions as a challenge. Not everyone has learned how to invite people to inquire about, much less challenge, what they say.

If you have a colleague or a manager who easily takes offense, the onus is on you to figure out how to ask in a way that seems supportive, not challenging. Practice and experiment with how to ask this person questions in a way that they regard you as genuinely curious and building on their ideas rather than antagonistic or showing them up.

If you never learn to ask a follow-up question because somehow you thought you were supposed to understand everything perfectly the first time, this is a habit to get over right now. Practice getting curious and then asking questions. Repeat: get curious, then ask questions. The more you demonstrate curiosity, the more likely you are to get your follow-up questions right the first time.

Curious about this skill?

We are thrilled to tell you that our new book, Conscious Change: How to Navigate Differences and Foster Inclusion in Everyday Relationships, will be released July 9, 2024. In the book, 19 authors describe how they used some of the six principles and 36 skills described in the book to navigate potentially polarizing situations in multicultural settings.

Starting with this Reflections and through July, we will highlight the underpinnings of one of the 36 Conscious Change skills.

In this Reflection we are featuring skill #10: Develop skills in inquiry and openness. 

Before you can easily go into inquiry or be open, it helps to already know how to activate your curiosity and be willing to ask or receive questions. Once you have question-asking under your belt, you are in a better position to learn the skill of going into inquiry and practicing openness.  

And why are inquiry and openness important? Because both skills pave the way for the good stuff that adds meaning and satisfaction to your life: being a courageous messenger, aiming for your North Star goals, leading with strength, making ethical decisions, and so much more. 

Small steps lead to bigger steps.  We are here to support you along the way.