"I should have made it to the top!” vs “Look how far I’ve come!”
Over the past month, at least three people have commented to me about how deficient they felt that they had not achieved some goal.
They have unfulfilled aspirations, and they view not having met those aspirations as a problem with them.
Some sample comments:
- I’ve tried hard to make it work and I can’t seem to pull it off.
- It’s depressing that no matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to make it happen.
- I look around at my peers and they seem to be so much ahead of me.
- It’s very discouraging that I don’t have it yet by now.
Here’s what all of those comments have in common:
- A goal
- That goal is not yet achieved
- They assume that the lack of achievement proves something is wrong with them.
That’s the deficit model of thinking about one’s aspirations:
- I want it.
- I should have it.
- The fact that I don’t have it by now is my fault.
That way of thinking is a sure way to demotivate ourselves and make the rest of the journey that much harder.
We beat up on ourselves, thinking that if we talk enough trash we will be motivated to improve.
Not so. Beating up on ourselves is demotivating, not motivating. It invites the fear response and restricts our freedom of movement and ability to see options. We move into self-protection listening to the steady stream of internal insults.
The more effective approach is strength-based. We recognize that, as human beings, we are goal-making machines. We will forever be aspiring, wanting more, aiming for higher and greater levels of achievement.
We recognize that if we get what we are aiming for, most of us won’t sit on our laurels. We will aim for something else -- a new job, a new achievement, a new opportunity, more and more.
Logically, then, not having the immediate thing we are aiming for is not a test of our character. Rather, it’s recognition that we are aspiring beings who will always be seeking a new mountain to climb.
The fact that we don’t achieve our goal doesn’t mean something is wrong with us. It just means that we’re on a growth path and every new level means that the next level is there waiting for us.
By giving ourselves grace and appreciating the successes we have already attained, we open our minds to new possibilities and opportunities. We broaden-and-build what is possible.
What does this mean for you? and especially for me, who already knows what my aspirations are for 2024?
Instead of, “What’s wrong with me? I should be much further along than this!” I’ll go into gratitude and saturate my being with good thoughts about where I am so far.
“Look how far I’ve come! I’m ready for the next level.”
